The Lousy Lair
by Radio Milk
Summary: The Baudelaires thought Olaf was bad - wait till they meet Nicolette, a student at their new school. Klaus encounters padded handcuffs, ill-fitting bikinis and an obsessive stalker in the pendulous Nicolette; can he keep his sanity? Set after Book 11.
1. The Mysterious Mansion

Hello. I re-posted this because I didn't update, due to failure to think of an ending. Enjoy. If you've already read The Lousy Lair, give me suggestions for crack pairings between characters I've created! It provides me with sugar. Sugar is good and healthy. 

If you've ever trudged up an unreasonably steep slope, somnolent as you can possibly be (a word which here means 'ready to faint') , you can certainly identify with the miserable plight of the Baudelaire orphans.

They were dripping wet, in spite of the summer sun beating down upon their backs as they plodded unenthusiastically up the matriarch of all inclines, due to the fact that they had all tripped into a stream on the way, and had gotten soaked.

Klaus spat a small leaf out of his mouth, one presumably from a rare water plant he had encountered upon his acquaintance with the stream, and pointed up to the mansion sitting at the top of the hill.

"That's where our new guardian's living," he said to his siblings.

"I'm glad we're finally here," Violet said, brushing damp locks of hair out of her eyes. "To tell you the truth, Klaus, the slope has been absolutely murderous."

Sunny looked up at her elder sibling and sighed. "It's been unpleasant," she agreed. "We should hurry to the mansion."

Hope flared once again in the siblings' eyes as they made their way up to the enormous house, where refreshments would likely be present. How they did it is _not_ important, so let us skip to the part of the story in which the siblings found themselves at the door of the manor.

"Here goes nothing," Klaus said, and pressed the ornate silver doorbell set into a niche right by the intricately carved doors, in front of which they stood together.

Klaus didn't expect the door to fly open as soon as the bell chimed, nearly hitting him on the nose. Violet stepped back, rather mortified, and Sunny wondered what sort of maniac lived there, one so eager as to open doors for guests _that_ promptly.

A short, rather pretty girl stepped out from behind the doors. Of about Klaus' height, she wore a red blouse and pressed white skirt, making the Baudelaires feel a little self-conscious about their current appearance.

"Hello," she said cheerily, giving the siblings a friendly smile, something they were relieved to see (regardless of whether it was genuine or feigned). "You must be the Baudelaires! Come on in."

She stood to one side and ushered them into a small anteroom.

"Sorry for the abrupt introductions," the girl said as she shut the door and locked it, then tugged at the doorknob to make sure the lock was secure. "My name is Lynette Christmas, and I'm your new guardian."

It was obvious from Lynette's expression that she expected the stunned looks the three siblings were giving her.

"You're… our guardian?" Violet tried to hide her surprise as she spoke up. "I'm sorry – what I meant was…"

"Don't worry about it," Lynette smiled, waving it off. "Sorry, but I don't know your first names, so would you mind very much if you could introduce yourselves?"

"Violet," said Violet, "and these are my siblings, my brother, Klaus, and my sister, Sunny. It's good to meet you, Lynette."

"I've got other wards here, besides you," Lynette informed them as she opened the double doors that led out of the anteroom. "You'll be able to meet them all at dinner, but, for now, I've asked a couple of them to help show you around."

"Thanks," Klaus and Sunny said in unison, appreciating their new guardian's thoughtfulness.

"They'll also explain why I'm a guardian in the first place, just in case it's provoked your curiosity," Lynette said, ushering them into a lavish sitting-room.

The Baudelaires followed behind Lynette as she led them up several staircases leading to a long passage. All the doors along the corridor were coloured differently, one lime green, another scarlet – it was as if a rainbow had impulsively decided to split itself among all the doors down the hallway.

"These are the rooms for my wards," Lynette explained as the Baudelaires followed her down the corridor. "I provide their lodging and all the comforts of home."

Lynette stopped at a turquoise door, one of the last few at the end of the hall, and tapped smartly on it, ignoring the electric guitar riffs coming from behind the closed door.

The room's occupant evidently heard the rapping on the door, even above the music. The melody ceased abruptly, and the door opened, by a fraction.

"Hi," greeted the guitarist from the blue room, before Lynette had even said anything (she just stood there with her mouth open, about to introduce her newest wards). "I'm Lorelei… you must be the Baudelaires, right?"

She looked round at them and pushed the door open wider. "Come on in."

"I'll leave you to it then," said Lynette serenely, and set off down the corridor. The Baudelaires were left with no other choice but to enter Lorelei's room.

Lorelei, dark-haired and green-eyed, smiled at the Baudelaires a little hesitantly, her somewhat untidy appearance contrasting with the neatness of her room.

As they had glimpsed when Lorelei first opened the door, her room was almost entirely blue, painted in different shades of cobalt. Lorelei ushered them in, reminding them most strongly of Lynette. After closing the door behind them, she invited the siblings to sit down.

"The bed and my beanbags are the only form of seats in my room," Lorelei stated apologetically, heading over to aforementioned bed and picking up a black electric guitar.

"Everything's blue," Sunny observed with a laugh as she sat down.

"That's right," Lorelei agreed happily, her smile growing a tad warmer at the topic of colours. "We all get to pick décor and colour themes for our own rooms – you'll be getting yours too – Gabrielle chose orange, you'll meet her soon."

"Gabrielle?" Violet questioned. It seemed as if they were meeting new people on a big scale at Lynette's mansion.

"A friend," said Lorelei enigmatically. "You're Violet, Klaus and Sunny, am I correct?"

"You're right," Klaus said, staring at Lorelei's bookshelf longingly.

Observing this, Lorelei waved her hand at him. "Go ahead," she said. "Take a look, I don't mind."

Klaus went over to the bookshelf to browse, having missed perusing a library, be it a private library, as belonging to Lorelei, or a public one. Violet and Sunny began to ask Lorelei about Lynette's weird guardianship, the history of the Christmas manor, and set arrangements that came with a lifestyle at Lynette's home.

Quite suddenly, though, as Lorelei was about to explain why Lynette, a young girl of thirteen, had wanted to be a guardian, the door flew open again, and a girl strode in.

"Hey Lori, I thought…" she stopped short upon seeing that her friend had visitors of sorts, and stood by to be introduced.

"That's Gabrielle," Lorelei said. "She's a friend, and Lynette's probably mentioned her. I'm glad she's here, she's good for conversation, and she's going to help me explain part of the questions you've asked so that I can practice my guitar while we're at it."

Lorelei smirked at Gabrielle, who came and joined them, giving Lorelei a push so that she could sit down beside her.

"Hi," said Gabrielle to the Baudelaires, giving them a sunny smile.

Gabrielle was immaculate by contrast, seated next to Lorelei – poker-straight hair and a bright smile countered Lorelei's scruffiness and meditative pout.

After introductions were made, Lorelei proceeded with her explanations, which Gabrielle had so helpfully interrupted.

"Glad you're here, Gaby," Lorelei said to her friend, putting her guitar tenderly down on the bed just behind her. "You can help me explain our special circumstances here, and after this we can show the three of you to your new rooms."

The Baudelaires were grateful to sit back and relax, literally, as Lorelei and Gabrielle launched into a detailed explanation about their lives at the manor.

"You see, Lynette's parents were politicians, and being _influential_ politicians, naturally people would want to eliminate them," began Lorelei somewhat bluntly, wanting to get straight to the point. "They left Lynette, then seven, in the manor when they both went for a world meeting, and upon their return they were gunned down by an assassin. The irony of the whole thing is that they died, in their limo, on _Christmas Day_."

Lorelei paused emphatically, and Gabrielle took over from there. "That's the sad story," Gabrielle continued.

The Baudelaires could identify very well with Lynette's unfortunate plight, having lost both their parents in the fire which destroyed their home. Melancholic, the three siblings continued to listen to what Gabrielle was saying.

"Lynette got the news from a messenger named Marcel, who's now the official cook of Christmas manor. After the bad news he bore was received, you can guess how Lynette felt. Marcel made her a good chocolate soufflé, hoping to keep her spirits up. Knowing that she herself wasn't a good cook, Lynette hired him, and he's stayed on after all these years."

Gabrielle looked slightly cheered by this fact, and left the next part of the story to Lorelei.

"As you can expect, Lynette wasn't used to taking care of herself then, and she hired Tessa and Smithers, our maid and butler. They've stayed on for about as long as Marcel has. Knowing that there was an enormous amount of misery in the world, Lynette made a promise to her parents that she would help orphans like herself, and that's how she became a guardian. She fought for her license in court, and having gotten approval from higher authorities Lynette is now free to take in those who have lost their homes and families. You'll meet everyone down at dinner – I'm not surprised by the number of people living here. We're all orphans, you know. There's nothing to feel awkward about because we're all in the same boat."

"You may see that Lynette is a bit on the… eccentric side," Gabrielle said. "Since the deaths of her parents, and what with the drastic changes to her lifestyle, she's never been the same. Lori and I" – Lorelei glared at Gabrielle for shortening her name – "knew her before she was orphaned, and she was different then."

"I suppose nothing's ever static," said Violet. "I admire Lynette's conviction, taking in other people too."

"That's not all," continued Gabrielle. "Lynette helps us get subsidized education at a boarding school her family's sponsored for generations. As a result, the principal there helps her get education for students in that school, so that our lives aren't tossed about more than they already are."

The door creaked open again, making Lorelei groan in exasperation.

"Are you in there, _Van Muir_?" a girl drawled from the doorway. "It's almost dinnertime, and Lynette wanted me to call you down here before you and your… friends got too carried away and lost track of time, as you _always_ seem to do."

The girl turned up her nose at the Baudelaires, looking very unimpressed at their currently bedraggled state.

Lorelei shot the girl a _look_. "Well, thank you, _Scout._ From the looks of things, you're wasting time too, and you'd better go down there before your seat is taken."

"That's Colleen Scout," Gabrielle said when the girl had left. "She isn't very pleasant, I'm afraid. Lynette disregards such faults when she takes people in – Lynette's good-hearted, but that doesn't make me like Colleen any more than I already do."

The Baudelaires, with Lorelei and Gabrielle, exited the room, the two girls leading the siblings through the cavernous manor to the dining hall, where they soon found that there were more people sitting at the long dining table there than they had expected.

This chapter may be a bit boring, but it's always good to introduce a new setting! Again, crack pairings please.


	2. The Suspicious Stench

Hello again. Here's the second chapter of The Lousy Lair! Do enjoy, and tell me what you think.

"Good evening, Baudelaires," Lynette smiled as the siblings entered, her usual expression of calm contentment on her face. "Lori, Gaby, please help them get seats before the last of the crowd comes in. Thanks."

"Don't call me Lori," Lorelei sighed, watching Gabrielle point out empty seats to the Baudelaires.

The entire table was soon filled, as Violet noted, except for one seat next to Lynette, right across from her.

"There's one person missi-"

Before Lynette could finish her sentence, however, a tall boy strode in, his brown hair tousled and his manner free and easy. He slid into his seat beside Lynette, grinning nonchalantly.

"Basil Cinnamon," Lynette finished, glaring at the boy even as Colleen and her identical twin, who will be introduced later, appraised him silently (as they always had at mealtimes, in school and whenever he happened to appear).

"Yes! Yes!" cried Basil, sadly lacking in the manners department. "_Now_, can we eat?"

"You're late again," Lynette muttered to him as she waved to Smithers and Tessa to begin the meal.

"I was _studying_," Basil protested, loud enough for the entire room to hear.

Lynette turned to the Baudelaires. "This is Basil, my distant cousin. Don't believe a word he says – he never studies, do believe me."

"The smell," Sunny muttered to Violet, giving Basil a surreptitious once-over. A strong tang of cinnamon hung in the air, most of it emanating from Basil. Across the table, Lynette was trying not to breathe too deeply.

Klaus had been aware of a girl seated beside Colleen who looked exactly like her ever since he had sat down. The two girls were absolutely indistinguishable down to their unpleasant scowls, even though the meal was quite delicious. Lorelei, seated near him, tapped him on the shoulder, noticing his observation.

"That's Kerica," she explained. "She's Colleen's identical twin."

Klaus nodded to show he understood.

All through the dinner, people slowly began to make conversation, some introducing themselves to the Baudelaires, who, apparently, were the newcomers, bringing in topics such as birthdays, hobbies and favourite colours. Some of the boys began to fight about their favourite sports teams, making Gabrielle sigh, sadly resigned to their loud behavior.

Violet, seated right across from Basil, couldn't help but try to hold her breath. Cinnamon was a pleasant fragrance, but what she smelt was an enormous overdose of it, and she was dead sure the stench was coming from Basil himself, fitting his surname, Cinnamon.

"Does he always smell like this?" Violet asked Gabrielle quietly, so as not to attract too much attention. Gabrielle, seated next to her and scooping up some more gravy, nodded.

"Basil uses cinnamon shower gel, cinnamon hair gel, cinnamon soap, cinnamon perfume, yes, _perfume_ – he's an _absolute_ nutcase," she giggled.

Basil glared at Gabrielle through a greedy mouthful of food. Despite his lanky frame, Basil was a glutton, and he was doing everything to stuff oversized helpings of chicken into his mouth. However, a person the Baudelaire siblings would encounter later on in the story made Basil look like a dainty gourmet eater.

Gabrielle gave Basil a smile so saccharine it was obviously counterfeit. Violet decided it was best for her to look away, and resumed the cheerful task of clearing her plate.

After the main meals were whisked away with the help of the children seated at table, Marcel, the chef, brought out a large chocolate fudge cake for dessert, made especially for the arrival of the Baudelaires. He and Smithers proceeded to serve everyone generous slices of cake, since there was a lot to go round.

During dessert, the Baudelaires were appalled to find out that they had arrived exactly the day before term began, and that Lynette had only just managed to snag places for Violet and Klaus at the usual school all her wards attended. Sunny, of course, was still too young to attend, but Chef Marcel had kindly offered to take her on as an apprentice in the kitchen after being told about her culinary interest.

Though disappointed that they would be parted, Violet and Klaus were glad that Lynette had also prepared something for Sunny to do while they were at school. Sunny was all at once apprehensive and enthusiastic, despite the fact that she would see neither sibling until the next term break.

Despite having eaten their fill of the delectable dinner, nearly everyone finished their slice of cake, even Colleen and Kerica. Gabrielle waved to Smithers, who cut her another slice.

"Don't you wonder how Gaby can eat so much and maintain her weight?" Lorelei announced loudly, a running joke among the residents of the manor.

Gabrielle swallowed her last mouthful of cake (she was a fast eater, no doubt) and looked over at Lorelei. "Don't hate me because I can eat whatever I want and still resemble a stick insect!" she joked.

She laughed, and most of the other youths laughed with her, including Basil. Colleen and Kerica glared, jealous of the fact that _they_ did not possess a high metabolism, and made their huffy exit from the table very apparent. Lynette sighed, used to the ways of the rather irascible twins.

After dinner and dessert, the Baudelaires were shown to their new rooms by Lorelei and Gabrielle. Violet, Klaus and Sunny had their rooms all together in a cluster at the end of the hallway, Sunny's room two doors down from Lorelei's and three from Gabrielle's.

Lynette had picked out a white-themed room for Sunny, thoughtfully adding plastic, glittery snowflakes all over the walls that were, unfortunately, not to Sunny's taste – had she been a little younger, they would have been _perfect_ for biting. She was grateful for the well-made bed and printed sheets, though, feeling positive that Christmas Manor would offer a greater proportion of safety than her previous lodgings.

"Once you get settled in, Sunny," Gabrielle had said before bidding her goodnight, "you can order your own decorations – Lynette tends to pick out very strange household items."

Sunny couldn't help but agree, making a mental note to take down the plastic snowflakes as soon as was plausible.

Meanwhile, Lorelei had shown Violet and Klaus to their respective rooms, Violet's colour scheme, well, _violet_, and Klaus' green. The siblings were glad for the largely tasteful colour themes, despite the odd trimmings Lynette had added to each room (Violet had been struck dumb at first by the lavender feathers attached to most of the furniture, and Klaus was a little unnerved by the amount of decorative potted plants Lynette had arranged be brought in).

The Baudelaires were optimistic about their new home and a little anxious about their new school, giving silent thanks for the empathy of their new guardian as they fell asleep. The three siblings did not wake till they were roused the next morning by a very perky person.


	3. The Strange School

Hello everyone. Radio Milk is back with Chapter Three! Please contribute suggestions for crack pairings between non-Lemony characters, I'll give you a cookie if you can think of something nice.

If you've ever been woken early by a very perky person, you are bound to get upset, and would probably feel like hitting aforementioned perky person with a pointy stick of impressive dimensions.

However, the Baudelaires were used to discomfort, having encountered a lot of it during their fleeing from Olaf and his scheming schemes to steal their money, so they did not mind at all when they were woken early by Gabrielle, who had a perky personality, though she was never over the top. Of course, they did not hit her with a stick either, reasons being the facts that they had no sticks to hit her with, and also because they would never do that, after she had been kind to them.

After they were all awake, they were reminded to head to the bathrooms and freshen up, after which they proceeded to the dining hall for a quick breakfast before getting ready to leave for their new school - Starmount Academy.

All of Lynette's wards, excepting the two eldest Baudelaires, had already packed their belongings, having known the date of the new term for the longest time. Violet and Klaus were a little dismayed to find that they were horribly unequipped for school, without a single stub of pencil between them.

Their worries were unfounded, though - Lynette, thoughtful as always, had supplied them with spare clothes, textbooks, uniforms and everything else in between. A couple of outfits were not to the siblings' tastes, but they were grateful for the fact that they could stop walking around in rather tattered, unattractive clothes, as much as they were comfortable.

Changed and fresh, having had a brisk morning shower in the baths, the Baudelaires went quickly down to breakfast, not wanting to hinder anyone else.

Violet found a small satchel neatly labeled with _V. Baudelaire_ next to a cinnamon-scented messenger bag. Peeking inside she found stationery and other essentials supplied by Lynette. Klaus was relieved to make a similar discovery, his bag grouped with the luggage belonging to the Scout twins.

Breakfast was a frenzied rush, much unlike the leisurely dinner of the previous night. The residents of Christmas Manor were treated instead to a small-scale buffet prepared briskly by Chef Marcel, assisted by Sunny once she herself had eaten.

A piece of toast wedged firmly between her lips, Lorelei carried a guitar case under each arm as she strode down the stairs, placing her cargo down in the hall next to a battered green suitcase. Gabrielle dashed past Lorelei and down the passage to her room, simultaneously pinning back her hair and muttering about having forgotten to pack an extra pair of dance shoes.

After the elder Baudelaire siblings bid a heartfelt farewell to Sunny, the two of them separated, as they would be travelling in different vehicles according to their ages. Apparently, Lynette possessed an army of hired drivers, a platoon ready to get passengers to wherever they needed to be.

Through snatches of conversation with people as they passed by, the Baudelaires discovered more about their new school. Starmount Academy was a prestigious boarding school divided into four towers – North, South, East and West. Violet and Klaus were to be further divided – the antepenultimate Baudelaire would be with those of her age in South Tower, whereas Klaus, along with Lorelei, Gabrielle and the Scout twins, was to lodge in East Tower.

At the last moment as everyone loaded their baggage, Lynette caught hold of Basil and tasked him with helping Violet assimilate to her new school, since they would be sharing a dormitory with several other students from the Manor.

Surprisingly, Basil agreed and climbed into the limo, seating himself at the window across from Violet.

Klaus followed Colleen and Kerica into another vehicle, where Lorelei and Gabrielle were already seated. He took the nearest seat and closed the door behind him, feeling just slightly mislaid.

The stretch limos sped away from the Christmas Manor then, once everyone was accounted for. Lynette was left waving madly from the doorway, awaiting the recommencement of her night classes now that term break was over.

"You'll be in East Tower with us," Lorelei informed Klaus.

"We'll show you round," Gabrielle added. "It's a big place, but you'll get used to it."

Klaus nodded and smiled. He looked wistfully out the window, watching the silhouette of Christmas Manor fade into the distance as the conveyance gained speed, taking the middle Baudelaire towards his new school.

When the vehicles arrived at Starmount, the established (and new) students were sent up to their dormitories, with their baggage. Nobody minded, except for the indolent Scout twins – their scowls dampened the mood a little, but not for long.

Gabrielle was busy catching up with her fellow dancers, while Lorelei met with her band mates from High Water, the school's own ensemble where she played as lead guitarist. These classes and groups were elective, held outside school hours, but almost everyone had chosen at least one, in which to pursue a specific interest.

After meeting up with friends, which _had_ to be done, Klaus, Lorelei, Gabrielle, Colleen and Kerica headed to East Tower, having been assigned the Turquoise Room as their dormitory. Dormitories were usually shared by students coming from the same household, regardless of gender – it was often remarked that the Principal was far too laid-back, though Gabrielle emphasized that he placed utmost trust in his students.

The Turquoise Room held five beds - two on one side of the room and three on the other. Colleen and Kerica took the beds that were together, Kerica getting the window side. Klaus left it to Gabrielle to assign him a bed, unsure of how these proceedings should go.

"Turquoise is actually pretty nice," Gabrielle admitted, earning her a smirk from Lorelei, "but I kind of like orange better." This comment was with reference to her own orange room back at Christmas Manor.

Lessons were only to begin in three days, to give new students time to acclimatize to their surroundings and for current students to get back into study mode. Violet and Klaus, though separated for the moment, were both very relieved to learn this, as they weren't keen on the idea of that much change in only two days.

Violet had been assigned the Green Room with Basil and a pair of cousins from the Manor – one of them was Jared, Basil's partner-in-crime, and the other, Marielle, a relatively quieter girl who had made a point of getting to know the eldest Baudelaire.

"I couldn't stand it if I had to be around them all the time," she whispered to Violet, with a sidelong glance at the two boys in the room as she gave her new dorm-mate a confidential smile.

By the time the students had all arrived, of course, it was almost lunchtime, and many were relieved when the call for meals came.

Klaus accompanied Lorelei and Gabrielle downstairs to the dining hall, hoping to get seats even as the crowd streamed in.

Gabrielle led Klaus and Lorelei to a corner table, the middle Baudelaire hoping to find Violet in the chaotic mass of students. Eventually, Violet was spotted in the doorway, accompanied by Basil, Jared and Marielle. It was not uncommon for students from Christmas Manor to cluster together, though they did have their own social circles.

Basil was making most of the conversation as the occupants of the Green Room approached, the dominating topic being that of his newest cologne, La Cinnamone.

"It's one of a kind, this La Cinnamone," said Basil genially. He smiled at Violet, his newest (albeit slightly reluctant) listener, while Jared and Marielle rolled their eyes.

_Thank goodness,_ thought Violet. She didn't want to imagine what the world would be like were everyone to wear La Cinnamone perfume. She tried to smile back.

"You know, my surname isn't actually Cinnamon," continued the presently self-absorbed Basil. "It's Fisher. I just get my friends to call me Basil Cinnamon, because I like cinnamon."

"Of course," said Violet absently, occupied with scanning the tables for her brother to listen properly to Basil. Gabrielle, catching sight of Violet, waved her over, beckoning to Marielle and Jared to join them. The group of four came over and sat down, and Violet turned to her brother.

The siblings immediately began talking about what had happened so far, although nothing had, really. They also exchanged information about which dormitories they were in, and Klaus quickly learnt his way around the school with some help from Jared, an avid explorer of school grounds.

Finding that he was being ignored due to fervent exchange of news, Basil gave a loud, purposeful cough, and whipped out a small bottle of perfume from his shirt pocket, labeled in scrolling black letters with _La Cinnamone_.

It could very well have been spelt D-O-O-M, with the catastrophe about to occur.

"Why don't you all try my La Cinnamone perfume?" he said loudly, and proceeded to spray large amounts of it into the air, much to Jared's horror as he tried and failed to get away.

Everyone in the vicinity immediately began to cough, choke or gag, some people experiencing all three symptoms as the object of Basil's idolatry permeated the air in its relatively gaseous form.

Gabrielle leapt out of her seat in a fury, trying to get away from the cloud of overwhelming cinnamon scent. She ran right up to Basil, snatched the bottle out of his hands and threw it on the floor, stomping on it and grinding her heel on its pitiable fragments.

Basil looked aghast, his face contorted with what seemed like intense agony and sorrow. "My La Cinnamone!" he cried, his mouth frozen in a scream reminiscent of an Edward Munch painting.

"NOOOOOO! I paid money for this, honestly!"

He fell to his knees immediately to try and rescue whatever pieces of cinnamon-scented glass he could find. However, Basil's actions were futile as the glass pieces were embedded too deeply in the plush carpet.

Lorelei stood over him with a deadpan expression on her face, holding a hand over her mouth and nose.

"It'll be entirely your fault if we all start getting sinus problems!" Gabrielle snapped, glaring down at the distressed Basil. With that, she turned on her heel and walked off, holding her breath until she was far away. Jared sniggered as he cupped a hand over his mouth and nose, making Basil bash his fist against his friend's knee in aggravation.

Giving each other surreptitious glances, and trying not to breathe, Violet, Klaus and Lorelei followed Gabrielle over to an empty table as far as possible from Basil, who was still trying to collect the remnants of his perfume and attracting the oddest stares.

Very soon, lunch was served, and all the students (except for Basil) tucked in to the much-anticipated meal, their cheerful silence broken only by agonized howls coming from the place where Gabrielle had stomped on Basil's perfume bottle.

Fortunately, they were able to ignore all this, and after eating, the group from Christmas Manor, except for a humoured Jared, planned to run straight to the baths, where they could finally get rid of the overpowering stench of cinnamon hanging round them.

When he saw that most of the students had finished eating, the school's head, Principal Montreaux, made a short speech.

"Welcome back, students of Starmount, and I extend salutations to the new students who have come to attend this prestigious school. Despite the big crowd of people who have arrived today, there will be a couple more new students and another new teacher, incapable of reaching school today, who are coming tomorrow."

Lorelei nudged Violet and Klaus. "He's a little long-winded," she said with a grin.

"I wonder what the new students will be like," Gabrielle quipped audibly. "Here's hoping the new teacher is pleasant!"

"They are probably very nice people," said Klaus, hoping that was indeed true. The siblings were not used to so much pleasantness, having encountered misfortune everywhere they went, but things seemed different for now, and they both felt odd, despite the fact that it was a nice sort of oddness.

Montreaux made his speech relatively short and sweet. He was a sensible man, and knew that the students would much rather be up in their dormitories till dinnertime instead of listening to him drone on and on. He dismissed them, and the students left the dining hall in a rush, most people talking excitedly and catching up with what their friends had been doing during the term break.

Violet, Klaus, Lorelei and Gabrielle headed straight back to their dormitories to get a spare change of clothes before going to the baths. Klaus split from the group, being a very obvious non-female, smiling amusedly to himself as he remembered Basil's distraught expression over a trivial bottle of cinnamon scent.

Remembering this later caused Violet to laugh uncontrollably during her shower, resulting in a copious amount of soap getting into her mouth.

After the baths it was back to the dormitory and then again to the dining hall for dinner, following which the Baudelaires spent some time in the Turquoise Room before lights out, Violet there because she wanted to be with her brother, and also because Basil was in the Green Room giving the fragments of his perfume bottle a memorial service (Jared was the only invitee present).

That night, as everyone in Starmount Academy slept soundly, a certain Nicolette Abbott clutched her diploma in her hand as she rode through the night in a mysterious black car bound for her new school.

_Life at Starmount,_ she thought to herself with a wide grin, _is going to be _perfect.


	4. The Nauseating Newcomer

Enter Nicolette Abbott. That is all I can say. Enjoy!

Nicolette Abbott woke up in the Ebony Room, exhausted after the late-night tour of her new school. The principal, Monsterwhatshisface, hadn't been a very good tour guide – after all, it wasn't _Nicolette's_ fault that he had had to be woken up late at night just to escort her all round the grounds.

With some effort, Nicolette heaved herself off her bed and stood on the jet-coloured carpet in her private dormitory, in front of the obsidian-framed mirror that had been kindly provided. She placed her hands on her nonexistent hips, scrutinizing herself in the glass.

She pouted 'cutely' at her reflection, only to gape aghast at the looking-glass as it chose that moment to split right down the middle and cleave Nicolette's image in two.

Nicolette turned up her nose in disdain, twirling on the rug and picturing herself as a poised dancer. She originally intended to twirl right over to the window and open the curtains. All was going unexpectedly well, until she tripped over a bump in the carpet.

Scrambling up off the plush flooring, Nicolette stumbled awkwardly, getting rug burns on her hands as she pushed herself up with a grunt. More than a little irked, Nicolette ambled over to the window and yanked the curtains open fiercely, letting the morning light fill the room as she took the tasteful furnishings in rather jadedly.

Nicolette stood on tiptoe as the morning noises of the people in the room adjacent to her sounded faintly through the wall. _Those Blue Room people are evidently early risers_, Nicolette thought to herself, going over to her suitcase and rummaging around for her new school uniform.

Nicolette had evidently not been paying attention during the haphazard tour of her new school – even the names of the dormitories in proximity to hers were already out of her head. She muttered about the 'Blue Room people' being a little too noisy for comfort, zipping her bursting luggage shut decisively.

Nicolette changed into the school uniform, which, for her, was a discomfitting twelve sizes too small. Adding to her distress, the size she had received could possibly have been the largest available, though Principal Montywotsizname had already assured her that the school tailors would be bringing new stock in soon.

Nicolette sighed.

"I'm a growing girl," she said adamantly to herself, refusing to let the overly-fitting uniform undermine her healthy self-esteem.

Healthiness is relative, especially where self-esteem is concerned, but it was clear that Nicolette was the sort of girl who had far too much self-esteem.

Nicolette sauntered over to the mirror again, forgetting momentarily that it had cracked whilst she had been admiring her reflection. She took this as an offense against her and brought her leg back to give the looking glass a swift kick. Predictably, Nicolette missed, and fell over backwards.

Many falls and bumps later, Nicolette found herself at the dining hall, her favourite location of all time. This had been so even at her old school, Highfield Academy, where she had come in the year before as top student of her cohort, earning her the diploma to the esteemed Starmount Academy.

Unfortunately for the ravenous Nicolette, everyone at Starmount seemed to have arrived for breakfast before her, and the hall was almost full. Nicolette zigzagged confidently through the maze of tables and chairs, eventually finding a seat across from a bespectacled boy seated next to two other girls, who could only be his sisters.

Nicolette grinned to herself, preparing a charming smile just for that certain boy. Today, she would make her first acquaintance, and it was always important to give off a good first impression. Nicolette believed, for long afterward, that that day had been love at first sight.

It seemed to be her lucky day as she strode assertively to the last available seat, absolutely _radiating_ positive vibes.

She sat down and smiled at the boy in what she believed was a charismatic way.

_Soon, you will like me,_ thought Nicolette ecstatically, unaware that she was grinning like a chainsaw-wielding psychopath.

Klaus was mortified at the wide smile the newcomer had just given him. Scrutinizing her overwhelming person as she stared hungrily at what he hoped was his slice of buttered toast, Klaus fervently hoped that this first impression was wrong.

"Hello!" the new girl greeted brightly. "My name is Nicolette. I just arrived last night, so I'm quite new to this place. Starmoon, was it called?"

"Starmount," Klaus said, not unhelpfully. "I'm Klaus."

Telling Nicolette his name would turn out to be the most awful mistake of Klaus' life.

Gabrielle opened her mouth to introduce herself as well, trying to be friendly, only to stop short when she realized that Nicolette had eyes only for Klaus. She glanced at Lorelei and shrugged, returning to her cup of yoghurt.

Nicolette extended her hand. Klaus shook it, looking over Nicolette's shoulder to give Violet, seated a few tables off with her Green Room dorm mates (due to coercion from Basil), a surreptitious look. Violet returned her brother's distressed expression with an amused grin, unable to see what was really the problem, what with Nicolette blocking off most of her field of vision.

Nicolette held onto Klaus' hand as if it were made of gold, until she was shaken from her happy cloud of love by an extremely cynical stare from Lorelei.

"You can let go now, you know," she said to Nicolette, presenting her the most pokerfaced expression she could manage at that hour of the morning. Lorelei was hard-pressed to resist her bad habit of giving others sarcastic looks, though it was difficult when the person in question threatened to cross normal social boundaries.

Gabrielle let out a giggle, earning her a glare from Nicolette, to which she didn't respond.

Klaus smiled rather uncertainly, fixing his gaze on the space just above Nicolette's head so he wouldn't have to meet her intense, obsessive gaze.

Wary of Nicolette's psychotic grins directed at him every now and then, even with a mouth stuffed with cereal, Klaus finished his breakfast as fast as possible, encouraged largely by a very disturbed Gabrielle (Nicolette's eating habits were far from pretty). He was accompanied by Lorelei, who had packed a roll of bread to bring along, and Gabrielle, who was chewing on a stick of licorice.

In a daze of thoughts after waving to Violet, Klaus almost walked right into a breakfast trolley. Thankfully, Gabrielle, quick to react, caught him by the shoulders and dragged him away.

Nicolette, sitting far away at the table, saw things from a different perspective, following the boy with her eyes as he walked away. Scarfing down food frantically, she believed the boy, Klaus, and those two uncouth girls with him were siblings, but she was proven wrong for an entirely different and irrational reason she had thought up on the spur of the moment.

When Nicolette glanced up to try and catch Klaus' eye again, she saw something that made her seethe. That girl, the one who had laughed at her, was _not_ Klaus' sister.

Sisters did not hug their brothers like that.

Nicolette's back was as rigid as it could possibly be, and she found, suddenly, that breakfast no longer appealed to her. This was only logical, since Nicolette had already consumed six slices of buttered toast, four eggs and a large bowl of cereal, washed down with three cups of yoghurt and an entire carton of milk (she had refused to share with the other students at table, though that was the whole idea of the carton's presence).

She had clearly seen that (here, Nicolette had inserted a rude word, best not printed here) girl hug _her_ Klaus just as the trolley had passed them. Nicolette, jaw set in anger, was determined to win Klaus over to her, a rather ridiculous goal as she had only just met him.

But, one thing was for sure - Nicolette was going to _get_ those girls.

Klaus adjusted his glasses, they having slipped down his nose when Gabrielle had rescued him from death by breakfast trolley.

"Thanks, Gaby, for saving me from certain death," Klaus said, though he was not sure whether he meant Nicolette or the breakfast trolley any more.

Gabrielle shrugged, smiled and followed Lorelei to the dormitory staircases, Klaus not far behind. Passing the Ebony Room, they were about to enter the Turquoise Room, when Klaus caught sight of Nicolette coming up the stairs, her hand pressed heavily on the banister as she huffed and puffed her way up.

Klaus tried to get into the Turquoise Room before Nicolette saw him, but it appeared that Lady Luck had begun a personal vendetta against the middle Baudelaire. With a surge of energy uncharacteristic of her, Nicolette bounded up the stairs with an inane smile on her face, walking briskly up to Klaus and tossing her lank hair.

"Hi there, Klaus!" she chirped in a saccharine tone, completely ignoring Lorelei and Gabrielle. "We meet again!"

Klaus tried to slip into the dormitory again, but Nicolette caught him by the arm. "Call me Nicky," she tried to purr, though it came out as a sort of incoherent grunt. "I'm just next door in the Ebony Room, Klaus! Feel free to come see me any time!"

Klaus had a sudden vision of Nicolette chasing him round the cramped confines of an imaginary Ebony Room, making him turn pale in mortification.

In the end, Lorelei was forced to rescue Klaus from Nicolette's eager entreaties, since Klaus himself was far too polite to do anything about his situation.

"Sorry, _Nicky,_" drawled Lorelei sarcastically, stepping in between Nicolette and Klaus, to the middle Baudelaire's utmost relief. "Klaus needs to go in. Playtime's over for now."

Giving Nicolette a little shove in the opposite direction, which was ineffective, really, Gabrielle hustled him into the Turquoise Room. Lorelei gave 'Nicky' a derisive smile, and shut the door in her face.

Klaus sat down on his bed, watching Lorelei wrap and rewrap her bread roll.

"Tell me that did not happen," Klaus said, giving a convulsive shudder.

"I'm sorry, but it did," Lorelei responded with a rare smile of sympathy.

Gabrielle nodded thoughtfully. "She's rather bizarre," she acquiesced. "It's only her first day meeting you!"

Trying to divert Klaus' mind from the recent troubling incident, Lorelei tentatively introduced a new topic of conversation, only to be struck dumb five minutes later by a sustained, enthusiastic knocking on the dormitory door.

Klaus, who was nearest the exit, felt the room tremble.

"Oh, Klausey!" Nicolette's simpering voice floated through the wall. "Klausey Wausey! It's me, _Nicky_!"

Gabrielle lost herself in a paroxysm of laughter, while Lorelei got up to barricade the door with a chair, shaking her head even as she wore a Cheshire cat grin.

"What did she call me?" Klaus gaped in horror, making Lorelei stifle an outburst of laughter.

"Go away," shouted Gabrielle, when she had gotten over her laughing fit. Unfortunately, this only made Icky Nicky knock harder, and Klaus was secretly afraid that she would break the door down.

Lorelei and Gabrielle could only wait, and hope, fervently, that Nicolette would go away after a while without resorting to violent methods to gain entry to the Turquoise Room, while Klaus cursed the day Principal Montreaux had decided to install intricate but immovable grilles on all the dormitory windows.


	5. The Horrendous Handcuffs

Cue evil laughter. Enjoy and do review!

Nicolette eventually exhausted herself, bashing her fist repeatedly on the door of the Turquoise Room but to no avail. Rather perturbed, she had returned to the Ebony Room, intending to recuperate a little before again attempting to get Klausey Wausey out to play with her.

She sighed again, something she had started making a habit of ever since she had laid eyes on Klaus. Nicolette rummaged around in her suitcase, pulling out a large bag of chips and climbing onto her bed. She ripped the bag open unceremoniously and began stuffing large handfuls of crisps into her mouth, spilling crumbs all over the sheets in her enthusiasm.

Nicolette grinned suddenly as a sensible notion struck her. Klaus would _have_ to come out some time.

"I'm going to open the door," Lorelei said flatly, getting up from off her bed. "Icky Nicky's stopped knocking, so it should be safe for you to go out without being attacked."

"She must be in her room at last," added Gabrielle. "I'm pretty sure I can hear her moving around inside."

Klaus nodded his head tentatively, tensing his muscles to increase the likelihood of him making a quick getaway should the door open to reveal Nicolette.

"What if she's hiding outside and waiting quietly, so that we can't hear her?" Klaus voiced out with trepidation.

Gabrielle put her hands on her hips, turning to face him. "Oh, come on," she sighed, throwing her hands up in the air. "Do you honestly think Icky Nicky could be that ingenious?"

"Who knows? She _did_ get a diploma to come here," put in Lorelei with a shrug.

Gabrielle ignored the both of them and opened the door, only to jump back with a shriek.

Klaus leapt off his bed, expecting to see Nicolette, but instead, it was only Colleen and Kerica, and both of them looked unexpectedly _happy_.

"Sorry," said Kerica brightly, waving her hand apologetically at Klaus. "We just wanted to come in to get some things of ours to lend to Basil, because he asked us, and, you know..."

Saying Basil's name made both the twins smile even more brightly, and suspecting something, Gabrielle looked thoughtful.

"Um, come on in," said Lorelei uncertainly, a little unsettled by the expressions of the Scout twins. She frowned and bit her lip. "We're heading to the Library now, so we'll leave you to it."

Colleen smiled again and waved as her dorm mates exited, soon turning to help Kerica retrieve the appropriate items from her suitcase.

"We _should_ head to the Library," suggested Lorelei as they walked. "You'll love it there, Klaus – Starmount's collection is one of the best."

Klaus was cheered considerably by this fact, seeing as Nicolette wasn't the sort to go to a library, unless they happened to loan out edible books.

When the three reached the enormous haven, Klaus browsed frenetically until he found a hefty volume on sociology. Sitting down on a comfortable velvet sofa, he opened the book, and was soon in a world of his own.

"I guess he's happy," Gabrielle whispered to Lorelei as she picked out a book on classic fashion design.

Gabrielle then sat down on a plush chair opposite Klaus.

Lorelei wandered the nearby shelves until she found a good book on human anatomy for artists, and proceeded to join her two friends, flopping down onto a velvet beanbag and beginning to read.

Klaus soon found himself looking forward to exploring the rest of the Library, finally placing aside his sociology tome and weaving a leisurely path through the maze of shelves. He hoped to find another interesting nonfiction volume, but I am sad to inform you that what the middle Baudelaire stumbled across was completely different to what he expected, for who should come round the nearest shelf, but Nicolette Abbott.

"Oh, Klausey!" she cried out with a dopey smile. "I _knew_ I'd find you here!"

Klaus looked round, utterly mortified. _How_ had Nicolette managed to find him?

Nicolette whipped something out of her skirt pocket with some difficulty, since her uniform was twelve sizes too small.

"Handcuffs!" she shouted, smiling in what she thought was an alluring way. Klaus gulped, beginning to back away. Nicolette moved towards him in what she thought was a very seductive, delicate, feminine manner.

To Klaus, however, humpback whales were more seductive, elephants more delicate and Count Olaf more feminine.

Klaus gave a convulsive shiver, looking around wildly for directions to a consecrated escape route as he retreated. Nicolette began to shrug off her twelve-sizes-too-tight school jacket and, abandoning all propriety, Klaus ran in the direction which he hoped led to the exit, screaming in agony.

"But… but… Klausey Wausey!" Nicolette shouted after him, continuing to struggle with her overly fitting apparel. "They're _padded_ handcuffs!"

By a stroke of luck, Klaus ran back towards the place where he had come from, yanking Lorelei and Gabrielle out of the world of books all at once.

"Nicolette tried to handcuff me with _padded_ handcuffs!" Klaus blurted out, skidding to a stop in front of them, shocked and traumatized by this inopportune turn of events.

Not surprisingly, Lorelei and Gabrielle began to laugh, though it was inappropriate in a place such as the Library - the image of Nicolette pursuing Klaus with a pair of padded handcuffs was one too funny not to laugh at.

"That's hard to believe, even for someone as insane as Nicolette," Lorelei snickered.

Klaus glared at nothing in particular.

Wheezing and panting, Nicolette finally made her appearance, the pair of padded handcuffs dangling from her pudgy hand. Gabrielle was momentarily struck dumb, and Lorelei could only stare in horror.

"There you are, Klausey," Icky Nicky panted, mustering up enough energy to grin at him.

Klaus fled in the direction of the exit, not wanting to be cornered by Nicolette _again_. Quickly shelving their books, Lorelei and Gabrielle raced after him towards the double doors of the library.

Nicolette was not a fast runner at all, and the three were many paces ahead of her. Lorelei glanced once more over her shoulder, unable to believe Klaus had actually spoken the truth about the padded handcuffs. She stumbled into the middle Baudelaire, having neglected her path momentarily.

"How dare you!" shouted Nicolette angrily, seeing things very differently as Lorelei staggered into Klaus, barely managing to avoid falling altogether. Nicolette shook her fists at Lorelei as she jogged slowly, her unwieldy gait doing her no service whatsoever.

Klaus' glasses had fallen off at the moment of impact. Lorelei picked them up from where they lay on the carpet, shoved them back on his nose and muttered a hurried "sorry, Klaus!" before turning on her heel and dashing off again.

Gabrielle was the last through the Library doors. She waited by them until Nicolette had nearly reached the exit, then slammed them in her face. A dull thud followed as Nicolette crashed straight into the solid Library doors, carried forward by her momentum.

Laughing, though she knew it really had been unkind of her, Gabrielle hurried after her friends.


	6. The Banal Blueprints

Here we are. Enjoy and _please review._ Won't take you more than half a minute, ne?

Klaus ran straight for the Turquoise Room with Lorelei and Gabrielle hot on his heels. Lorelei slammed the dormitory door behind her and locked it once they were inside, though she knew Nicolette was no Olympic sprinter.

Colleen and Kerica had returned from lending their things to Basil, and were back to their old sulky selves. However, their scowls were not as intense as usual as they sat on the floor discussing the latest rumours and debating whether or not to sign up to be on Starmount's editorial team.

They looked up with interest at their dorm mates.

"What just happened to you?" Colleen asked, frowning at Klaus, pale in the face, Lorelei, her hair in disarray, and Gabrielle, trying not to laugh too hard.

Klaus felt friendlier to Colleen and Kerica by comparison with the delusional Nicolette, and decided to tell them what exactly had happened. By the time Klaus had finished, everyone was laughing, even the Scout twins.

The middle Baudelaire was laughing too, though Icky Nicky's crush (read: huge obsession) with him was rather unsettling.

"I really wonder how Nicolette knew you were in the Library," Gabrielle wondered aloud.

She glanced at Colleen and Kerica, both of whom looked a little guilty.

"We told her," confessed Kerica somewhat sullenly, now that the laughing mood was over. "We were afraid she'd knock the door down when she came to look for you."

'Icky Nicky' retreated to the Ebony Room after discovering that the Library doors opened with a gentle push of the handle. She fumed at the thought of what she had seen.

She slammed the dormitory door shut behind her, detesting Lorelei and Gabrielle more and more with every passing second. Nicolette rubbed her forehead, frowning at the nonexistent bruise. She was furious with herself, having fallen for Gabrielle's trick, though she _had_ bounced off the Library doors and onto the floor without sustaining a single injury.

_I'll never give up,_ thought Nicolette stubbornly, as she sat down heavily on her bed. _I _know_ he loves me. They must be telling him bad things about me to corrupt his brain – they're just jealous._

Of course, they were not, because there is almost no reason to be jealous of Nicolette unless you intend to enter a sumo competition. But Nicolette, as it has been stated, saw things very differently from everyone else. Wanting to keep her emotions under control before she attempted kicking her mirror yet again, she decided not to think about what she had just witnessed, and looked forward to lunch instead.

Nicolette was fortunate enough to have a private bathroom just off the main room. Principal Montreaux, upon hearing that Nicolette would be arriving at Starmount, had had one installed in her dormitory – he didn't think the other female students would want to see Nicolette in all her natural glory, and he was afraid that failure to keep the delusional girl content would result in absolute carnage.

After eating a copious amount of food at lunch, Nicolette decided to have a tub bath to ameliorate her dissatisfaction over the incident in the Library.

Nicolette turned on the hot tap. While waiting for the specially enlarged bath tub to fill, Nicolette amused herself by sitting on the closed toilet bowl and pulling at the roll of toilet paper, ceasing only when the entire bathroom floor was a mess.

Evidently, Nicolette was _not_ a tree hugger.

Soon enough, the bath was filled, and Nicolette got in after tossing her uniform carelessly on the papered floor, intending to have a long soak in her tub before dinner as she thought of a plan to put Klausey Wausey's corrupted brain right again.

Shortly, it was time for dinner, the very last meal of the day. Klaus found himself feeling apprehensive, though, fortunately, Nicolette was nowhere in sight. Unbeknownst to all, she had decided (after much, much deliberation) to skip dinner and concoct a suitable plan to win Klausey Wausey over.

Klaus, after being on the lookout for an obstruction in the doorway, ate peacefully when he found that Nicolette was not going to make an appearance after being reassured by Violet.

Principal Montreaux made another speech after dinner, once most of the students had finished eating.

"Good evening, students of Starmount," he began jovially, beaming at the assembly. "I hope you enjoyed the black forest cake our chefs made specially for tonight! Tomorrow is Application Day, the day before lessons begin, and you will all have to reapply for your supplementary classes. For new students, it is optional to sign up – expect activities such as archery, gymnastics and dancing!"

At this point, Gabrielle sat up straighter than ever, listening to Principal Montreaux with a sparkle in her eyes and a wide smile on her face. Lorelei nudged Violet and Klaus, pointing to Gabrielle.

"She does this every year when Montreaux announces that dance classes are open," she whispered with a grin.

Violet and Klaus managed to keep themselves from snickering at the expression on Gabrielle's face. She looked as if she had won a sizeable cash prize, and a free trip to an exotic destination.

Realizing they had missed a good part of Montreaux's speech, Violet, Klaus and Lorelei sat up once more and listened to the rest of his speech.

"We await the arrival of a new teacher tomorrow morning to take over the position left vacant by Mrs Waleford," Montreaux continued. "Also, there will be extra dessert at dinner this Friday in honour of the new school term – do refrain from taking too much of the main course so as not to miss out on these gastronomic delights. That's all for tonight – students, you are free to leave the dining hall."

Many people clapped, especially the younger students. Principal Montreaux was responsible, and well-liked. Violet and Klaus, after their disastrous experience at Prufrock Prep, were glad for the conscientious principal, especially for the fact that violin concertos had always been the farthest thing from his mind.

As students filtered out of the dining hall, most debated the new teacher's competency in Biology, while others were discussing the proposition of additional dessert, and making plans to fill tables completely so they would not be forced to share with Nicolette.

Everyone had heard of or seen her (much to the credit of Colleen and Kerica, who had inevitably ended up spreading the story about Klaus, Nicolette and the padded handcuffs), which wasn't so difficult considering the fact that Nicolette stood out dramatically in a crowd.

Violet and Klaus left for the Turquoise Room together, hoping to spend a bit of time sharing their experiences in Starmount. The eldest Baudelaire was both bemused and appalled at Nicolette's apparent derangement, sympathizing wholeheartedly with her brother.

"Look at it this way, Klaus," Violet said as they walked together. "If we've survived Olaf for so long, I know you can survive Nicolette."

"Olaf never tried using padded handcuffs," Klaus retorted with a wry grin. "You're right, Violet – maybe I _am_ exaggerating."

The Baudelaires parted after talking late into the night, past the curfew of 9.30pm. They both wished for Sunny's safety in Christmas Manor, and hoped she was learning how to prepare many delectable concoctions under Chef Marcel's tutelage.

Violet left quietly for South Tower as Klaus lay back on his bed with only Kerica Scout, across the room, for company, Lorelei, Gabrielle and Colleen already in dreamland. Klaus discovered that Kerica and Colleen were not too sorry for spreading the story of the padded handcuffs round the school, and made a mental note not to tell the twins anything of the sort ever again.

Before too long, all the students were slumbering peacefully in their dormitories, even the traumatized Klaus.

All was still as the night wore on, apart from the sole occupant of the Ebony Room. Nicolette was too fired up to sleep, having finally come up with the best plan she could think of to sway Klausey Wausey.

She had decided, after much thinking, to construct a lair in Starmount's basement, having found out from several terrified students that it was indeed deserted, with people rarely ever venturning near. Gathering such information had been easy – she had threatened to sit on her fellow schoolmates if they failed to give her the facts.

Nicolette now sat on her bed, trying to draft a suitable blueprint for the lair. She would worry about the matter of construction later – her main concern was getting the base plans exactly right. Failing to possess a single artistic bone in her body, Nicolette wasted a lot of paper, and twelve erasers, staying up nigh the entire night sketching a basic layout.

Some hours before morning, Nicolette fell asleep over her incoherent blueprints, drooling over the papers and ruining the night's work completely.

Loud snores filled the Ebony Room as Nicolette slumbered. It could have woken everyone if Nicolette had had an operating loudspeaker in front of her as she snoozed.

Morning light filtered through the blue curtains of the Turquoise Room, rousing Gabrielle, who had the bed closest to the window. She yawned, stretching out and kicking off the covers, deciding to head for the baths immediately after waking Lorelei.

Soon, girls and boys were in their respective bathrooms, some of them taking showers while others brushed their teeth, all going about their morning routine.

Gabrielle, with a drowsy Lorelei in tow, had managed to get in before the crowd, but Colleen and Kerica had slept in and had to wait in line. Within minutes, Lorelei was out of the shower and slicking a comb through her hair arbitrarily, tugging on a pullover sweater. Gabrielle tied her hair up securely, pinning loose strands back until she was satisfied.

After breakfasting with Lorelei and Gabrielle, the Baudelaires decided to browse the timetable of supplementary classes, considering anything that happened to strike their fancy. Taking Gabrielle's suggestion to sign up after lunch, Violet and Klaus went to the Library, the middle Baudelaire feeling especially buoyant at Nicolette's sudden absence.

Violet and Klaus spent several pleasing hours browsing the expansive shelves of the Library and discussing supplementary classes until the lunch bell rang. Meeting Lorelei and Gabrielle in the dining hall, they were ready to tuck in to their meal, when galumphing footsteps were heard.

"Announcing Starmount's nightmare," Gabrielle said in a stage whisper.


	7. The Predatory Professor

Read and review, and most importantly, enjoy!

To Greedy-Gretchen: I know, it's good to be back! I'm glad you enjoyed the previous version, even with the rather terrible plotlines and many, many clichés. You'll be happy to know I've taken out the Violet/Basil thing which simply doesn't make sense any more. Cheers!

Nicolette was pleased to find that, once again, the only visible seat was opposite Klaus. She ambled over to the table with surprising speed, its occupants fixing sickened stares on the famished girl (remember, she had missed two meals).

Nicolette stood imperiously over the chair, pointing down at the words 'DO NOT SIT' that had been painted across the seat in bright red letters.

"You can't fool me," Nicolette said loudly, eyeing the warning on the chair with disdain as she glared at Lorelei and Gabrielle. "None of your imbecilic tricks can keep me from _my_ Klausey Wausey!"

Almost everyone in the dining hall turned to stare at Nicolette, hearing this strident announcement. Lorelei and Gabrielle had never played pranks on anyone, least of all those involving brummagem warning signs.

Gabrielle rolled her eyes.

Nicolette sat down triumphantly.

At that very moment, the chair collapsed, as if it preferred to be burnt as firewood in Principal Montreaux's office, rather than tolerate the sensation of… well, you get the idea.

Nicolette fell backwards, flailing and kicking the table as she went down, the milk carton toppling after her and bursting open over her uniform. A boiled egg leapt into the air, spinning and landing, unfortunately, in Nicolette's open mouth.

Unexpectedly, Nicolette extricated the egg, polishing it off in a matter of seconds as the Baudelaires, Lorelei and Gabrielle looked on in disgust. They had never seen a more gluttonous person. Nicolette proceeded to wave her limbs in the air like an upturned turtle after she had finished eating the egg, yelling for her fellow students to help her up.

Principal Montreaux entered the dining hall to find a crowd of students clustered around the distressed Nicolette, none of them inclined to help her onto her feet. He hailed several kitchen attendants to heave Nicolette up, reminded the students to sign up for supplementary classes and left with the excuse that he felt slightly nauseous.

Most of the students, who had seen Nicolette struggling on the floor, felt the same way.

After the unappetizing lunch, everyone sought out the various teachers-in-charge, settling the matter of supplementary activities. Violet had chosen a workshop in mechanics, while Klaus signed up for a book club and a creative writing class. Gabrielle, of course, selected dance, and Lorelei decided to take up martial arts while continuing on with her band.

Nicolette signed up for everything she thought Klaus would attend, her excuses being that she 'believed in a holistic education', and that she 'was interested in many things'.

Nicolette even signed up for yoga, believing Klaus was going to, too.

The day came to a close without any notable events occurring, though the whole school was discussing the incident of Nicolette and the collapsing chair, even the seniors, who were secretly embarrassed at their interest in such a puerile topic.

Nicolette was again absent at dinner. Upon discovering that she had inadvertently ruined the plans for her lair, she was furious, and had to redraw them all over again. Fortunately, she managed to waste less paper, pencils and erasers since she was already familiar with the basic layout.

She was proud of herself, having frittered away only four erasers this time.

Nicolette cleverly went over her work with a waterproof marker, ensuring it would not be spoilt this time.

Grinning like a psychopath, Nicolette tacked her blueprints up on her room wall, thoroughly ruining the elaborate paintwork.

Nicolette slept peacefully at last, now that her scheme was in motion. She drifted off into dreamland, her snores bouncing off the dormitory walls.

The next morning was a pivotal day for the school. The new Biology teacher had finally arrived, and many students were eager to see what he or she would be like. All lessons were to begin, with students managing to get to class on time after a hurried breakfast.

The first lesson for Klaus was Biology. He joined Colleen and Kerica on the walk to the classroom, regretting that Nicolette shared his timetable as well.

Lorelei and Gabrielle were lounging in chairs at the back of the room. Klaus sat in front, hoping to pay attention in what he hoped would be an engaging lesson. The Scout twins took seats at the side, even as more students filtered in. The new teacher was nowhere to be seen.

Nicolette had to be helped through the door by several other students upon her arrival. After much pulling and pushing from both sides, Nicolette pranced over to the seat beside Klaus without even a word of thanks to her classmates.

She sat down heavily, glaring triumphantly at Lorelei and Gabrielle. Lorelei rolled her eyes, while Gabrielle pretended the infuriating girl was not there at all – it would have been a waste of time to play The Glaring Game with Nicolette.

Klaus cringed as Nicolette leaned over with a wide grin.

Just then, the Biology teacher strode in. A tall, skinny man in a long, long coat, he wore enormous tinted safety goggles under his afro hair.

The middle Baudelaire saw straight through this transparent disguise, his heart sinking horribly. The overlarge lab coat was only such a size, so as to conceal the tattoo of an eye on the new teacher's ankle. The safety goggles were only on, so that the teacher could hide his single eyebrow. Though the afro wig was distracting, it was not enough to keep Klaus from noticing the teacher's glinting eyes.

Count Olaf had not failed to keep up his pursuit of the Baudelaires. Klaus looked right up into the malicious man's face, feeling a heaviness settle over him once more.

"Good afternoon, class," the evil Biology teacher wheezed. "I am Professor Launtcofo, and I am your new Biology teacher."

"You are _not_," Klaus said quietly, so that only Olaf would hear.

"I _am_ Professor Launtcofo," Olaf repeated, glaring at each student in turn. His gaze came to rest on Klaus. "You students will address me as such, for if you do not, I shall have to submit you to detention - with me."

The Scout twins gave each other sidelong looks. Not only did this new teacher have awful dress sense – he was repetitive, to boot.

Launtcofo proceeded to drone on for two hours, telling the class all about frogs and how he loathed them. "I don't like frogs because they jump around like mad women who have just seen a bunch of mice. Also, did you know that frog leg soup is delicious?"

Launtcofo was a hopeless teacher, and it was guaranteed that all students under him would fail their Biology terribly. However, failing was the very least of Klaus' concerns as Launtcofo began to hand out test papers.

The professor's little test on the appropriate method of frog dissection was a fluke, with completely irrelevant questions, such as _explain Professor Launtcofo's dislike for frogs_. The few rational questions the students had answered correctly were all shot down by the incompetent man, further emphasising the fact that he was not fit to take up a pedagogical career.

The bell for the next class went off at last, relieving everyone in Launtcofo's class. Klaus fled the room immediately, wishing he could warn Violet as the students started complaining all at once.

Even the contrary Nicolette agreed that the new Biology teacher was a failure as she inched herself through the doorway, too tired to chase after Klausey Wausey as Lorelei and Gabrielle shoved her through the door.

Thankfully, the remainder of Klaus' lessons were like any other, sometimes mundane and largely educational. However, Klaus found he could hardly pay attention, Olaf's reappearance weighing heavily on his mind. He was also concerned for Sunny – if Olaf had traced the elder Baudelaires to Starmount Academy, surely his henchpeople were keeping a tight watch on Christmas Manor.

Several lessons and teachers were appreciated – most students enjoyed Mrs Knicker's literature lessons, which Klaus would have loved had he been less preoccupied. Mr Driscoll's history classes turned out to be interesting, to the delight of many who presumed the study of past events to be incomparably dull.

Even though some lessons were a cinch for certain students, no-one could help the feeling of lethargy once the day came to a close. The dining hall began to fill up with students, though none were more ravenous than Nicolette Abbott.

Klaus took Violet aside at the entrance to the dining hall, asking Lorelei and Gabrielle to save them seats.

"Did you happen to have Biology today, Violet?" Klaus asked once they were alone, yearning for Olaf's return to have been an extremely vivid hallucination.

Violet frowned. "Yes, I did," she said sadly. "It's very hard to believe Olaf has managed to find us again."

"He's making me call him _Launtcofo_!" Klaus shouted, wishing he was young enough to stamp his foot and yell incoherently at the unfairness of their situation. "If I don't, he's going to send me to detention with him, and who knows what he'll do?"

"It's even more difficult now that we've been split by our ages," Violet agreed, patting Klaus' shoulder to try and calm him down. "If I could create a device that would banish Launtcofo from our lives forever, I would refrain from sleep and food until it was complete."

Violet sighed, feeling utterly defeated as she stood outside the warmly-lit dining hall with her brother. The Baudelaires had been prepared to begin a new, hopefully more pleasant life at Starmount Academy with their newfound friends, a life wherein Olaf, or Launtcofo, as we must call him, was absent.

A long shadow abruptly eclipsed those of the Baudelaire siblings. Klaus looked up to see the absurdly-dressed Professor Launtcofo, smiling down at Violet and Klaus as if they were delectable slices of pie, and he a starving man.

"Go in and join your little friends," Launtcofo smiled serenely. "Don't even think of putting a toe out of line, Baudelaires – think of little Sunny, all alone in Christmas Manor. _Accidents_ can happen."

Violet and Klaus took a last look at the demented teacher, slowly re-entering the dining hall with expressions displaying utter and absolute despair.

Gabrielle waved the Baudelaire siblings over, prepared to rattle off the dessert menu prepared for Friday when she noted the despondent looks on their faces.

"What's wrong?" she asked, Lorelei also leaning closer to listen.

"Olaf's back," Violet said darkly. "You had Biology today – that teacher's not Launtcofo. He's Count Olaf."

The two friends had heard of Olaf's machinations and various attempts to carry off the Baudelaire fortune from the clued-up Lynette, though it was the first time Violet or Klaus had mentioned the wicked count.

"There's nothing we can do about it," Klaus said miserably. "He always manages to find us, wherever we go."

"You could always think positive," responded Lorelei, thinking about what it would have been like, on top of losing one's parents, to be continuously pursued by a hateful man out to obtain one's inheritance through any devious scheme possible. "If there's nothing we can do, we can always concentrate on other things that can help the situation."

"Look at Lori," Gabrielle added. "She's taking martial arts classes, so if she's ever attacked by a mob of mad people she'll be able to get away. The extra classes the two of you have applied for could help you find a way to lose Count Olaf once and for all."

"Maybe I could invent a device to stop Olaf from what I'll learn in the mechanics workshop," Violet smiled sadly, though this was not to be. "_Deus ex machina_."

Klaus smiled, remembering their time in the penitentiary of the Village of Fowl Devotees. "And perhaps I will find a beneficial book that could tell us how to leave no traces as we flee."

Feeling slightly more reassured by their friends, the Baudelaires proceeded to have dinner, Klaus thoroughly ignoring the raving Nicolette several tables away.

As of now, a manic stalker was the least of his worries.


	8. The Distressing Dessert

Read, review, enjoy. That's all :3 I'm having terrible stomach aches now so excuse me if this chapter is boring. Thank you to Oderint for fave-ing this story!

Once the students had reluctantly accustomed themselves to the daily grind of school life, the days began to pass quickly, and Friday soon arrived, the very day Nicolette had been looking forward to. She was enthusiastic about the premise of additional desserts – it had been the only thing on her mind besides Klaus, her lessons, Klaus, the next meal, Klaus and completing her work on time.

Additionally, the very first issue of Starmount's school newspaper, _Shooting Stars_, had been released, Gabrielle being among the first to receive a copy. At breakfast, she brought her print down to the breakfast table, indicating a certain paragraph gleefully to a self-conscious Lorelei.

"Look here, Lori," Gabrielle said, pointing at a small article about High Water, the school band, that had been written by Basil Fisher. "_The school band, High Water, _et cetera, et cetera, _including the pretty lead guitarist Lorelei Van Muir,_ et cetera, et cetera. I wonder how that slipped under the Scout twins' radar!"

"It's just an adjective," Lorelei said at last, waving frantically to the Baudelaire siblings to save herself from Gabrielle's insinuations. "Sometimes they're necessary in making an article sound good."

"Good morning!" Gabrielle greeted Violet and Klaus. "Are you feeling any better?"

"There's nothing we can do about our situation," Violet shrugged, smiling wryly at them. "We've decided to keep the Professor in view until we know what the best thing to do is."

"What do you have there, anyway?" Klaus asked, gesturing to the copy of _Shooting Stars_ that Lorelei was flipping through.

Lorelei shut the newspaper and handed it to Klaus, starting on her cereal and looking suspiciously impassive. Klaus browsed through – most of the articles had been written by Colleen and Kerica, with others by Basil. The middle Baudelaire would have appreciated the local newspaper far more than the school tabloids, but tried to hide his frustration at being denied tidings of the outside world.

Violet and Klaus ate quietly, Gabrielle making small talk to avoid the uneasy silence that seems to fall whenever a person at table is preoccupied with a serious matter.

Klaus bid a temporary farewell to Violet and left for his lessons with Lorelei and Gabrielle, thanking his lucky stars that Biology was not on for the day.

The day went by with Klaus being able to complete his Literature assignments to absolute satisfaction from Mrs Knicker. Violet was pleased to find herself obtaining a satisfactory score in Mathematics and had done well for her Geography project with Marielle as her partner.

Lessons that day finished late, thoroughly distressing a famished Nicolette Abbott. Ever since breakfast, she had been anticipating the rather more extravagant dinner. Once Mr Driscoll released the class, Nicolette thundered down to the dining hall, not even bothering to trail after Klausey Wausey, for once.

Of course, it meant leaving Klausey Wausey with those repulsive girls, Lorelei and Gabrielle, but Nicolette's sacrifice was compensated by the rich fudge brownies and vanilla ice-cream served at table after the main course, among other delicacies.

Unfortunately for Nicolette's table-mates, only miserly slices of cake remained when the gluttonous girl had finished, the custard a sad coagulation at the bottom of the communal bowl after Nicolette had polished it off.

Klaus ate his dessert at a rather more leisurely pace, Violet cutting herself an extra piece of coffee cake once she had finished with her own bowl of custard.

The Baudelaires listened to Lorelei wax lyrical about the first band practice she had had some days ago, and how she enjoyed her martial arts classes. In turn, Gabrielle elaborated on the intricacies of dance, then inviting Violet to share her experiences of the mechanics workshop.

The antepenultimate Baudelaire spoke at length, trying to banish the thought of the voracious Professor Launtcofo. She then passed the baton to Klaus, who explained the obscure themes of the newest book he had read as part of his book club assignment. He had also written part of a short story during creative writing – despite Gabrielle's entreaties, the middle Baudelaire would not allow her to read what he had written so far, giving her a sheepish grin.

Sharing conventional, academic experiences with schoolmates made the Baudelaires think wistfully of their time in Prufrock Prep, and of their friendship with the Quagmire triplets. With their new acquaintances in Starmount, the siblings were able to revisit those feelings of camaraderie, making the threat of Professor Launtcofo diminish just slightly as the horizon cycled through tangerine, crimson and at last, deep purple.


	9. The Reluctant Recruits

The next instalment. I've been listening to a lot of Keane lately. Does it show? Read, review and enjoy! Suggestions welcome. Thank you to bttf4444 for fave-ing!

Breakfast a few days after was uneventful, though delicious. Starmount's elite team of chefs had prepared cupcakes, bowls of chilled yoghurt and strawberries, topped with fresh cream. After listening to several unimportant messages from Principal Montreaux, the drowsy students were allowed to begin their meal proper.

"Cupcakes," Gabrielle sighed happily, selecting one and nibbling at it delicately.

The Baudelaires shared their breakfast table with Lorelei, Gabrielle and the occupants of the Green Room, a less pungent Basil, and the cousins Jared and Marielle. Violet was content to talk with Marielle of their latest mechanical wonder, an implement that turned book pages for slothful readers with utmost ease. Lorelei had been sandwiched in between Basil and Jared, and took to wolfing down strawberries whilst listening to the boys recount childhood pranks.

Lorelei did not participate in conversation unless asked a question, thoroughly absorbed in her strawberries and in smacking Basil playfully every time he stole one off her plate. Though her eating habits were unsettlingly brisk, they were tame in comparison to those of Nicolette Abbott.

When Nicolette spooned down yoghurt, repulsive sounds could be heard several tables away.

When Nicolette gobbled down cupcakes, flour, icing and saliva were sprayed across the table, hitting the students seated opposite.

When Nicolette washed her meal down with milk slurped directly from the carton, much to the dismay of the students seated with her, rivulets of liquid snaked down the sides of her mouth and chin, staining her unflattering uniform. It was common belief among the younger students that Nicolette's over-tight uniform was probably getting tighter by the week due to her lengthy mealtime sessions.

Klaus was relieved of having to witness this disconcerting spectacle by the irate Scout twins, who were unlucky enough to be allotted seats opposite Nicolette.

The twins were not pleased about the arrangement – they hurried through whatever breakfast remained on the table, leaving the dining hall scowling even more fiercely than usual.

It was understandable – both Colleen and Kerica were covered in crumbs and saliva, thanks to Nicolette's table manners.

Lessons for Klaus that day were a breeze – Ms Lewis' art lessons were nothing more than a free period for most students, though they did make an attempt to sit through her monologue on trichromatic greys without fidgeting. Following that it was History with Mr Driscoll, and a free Biology period due to Launtcofo's sudden absence, a little incident that incited concern in the Baudelaire siblings.

Mrs Knicker, who had volunteered to watch the class, explained that the Professor 'had issues to settle outside of school' and would be back the next lesson.

Klaus suspected these external matters had a lot to do with Christmas Manor, and fervently hoped that Chef Marcel was an expert at close combat with kitchen knives should a kidnap attempt on Sunny occur.

Nicolette took time out from her Biology self-study to chatter at Klaus, batting her stubby eyelashes at the disconcerted boy. Klaus concentrated on highlighting important paragraphs in his Biology textbook, letting Nicolette's amorous appeals fly right over his head and smash unceremoniously into the wall.

Violet was not as lucky – Mr Driscoll had set her class a History quiz, which she did not remember studying for. However, the eldest Baudelaire child was not a complete dunderhead, and answered most questions competently, wishing she had Klaus around to help.

She _did_ believe she was better off than Basil, though, who was about ready to tear out large chunks of his hair after reading through the list of questions.

Violet then had Literature with Mrs Knickers, a weighty discussion session on the finer aspects of poetry. This made her think of Isadora Quagmire's couplets, and her inventive mind wandered to the topic of ciphers during the unexpectedly dull lesson.

At the end of the day, Basil was complaining loudly to Jared as they strode down the hall together, though he stopped short once he walked into a diminutive obstruction on the way back to the Green Room.

Nicolette was grinning evilly up at Basil, making him wince just slightly. The horizontally-challenged girl shooed Jared away (he was glad to excuse himself) and took Basil's wrist in a firm grip, hissing something that made the tall boy turn pale.

With a reluctant, cringing Basil in tow, Nicolette sought out the Scout twins at dinner, using her Green Room hostage as bait while making every effort to cram generous helpings of shepherd's pie into her mouth.

She then leaned over to the Scout twins (who could smell pie on her breath) and whispered several words that replaced their standard scowls with fearful looks.

The three students were then invited to the Ebony Room after the meal, with all of them accepting, even Basil. It all had to do with the menacing intimidations Nicolette had made earlier – she had threatened to sit on them if they refused her, though making that coercion meant that she had had to admit to her substantiality.

Listening reluctantly to Nicolette in the confines of her dormitory, Basil, Colleen and Kerica were absolutely convinced of her apparent derangement once she informed them of her grand plan.

"Since you, Basil, are taking a woodwork class for supplementary," Nicolette cleverly pointed out as she scarfed down potato chips, "you can help me build my lair in the basement of Starmount."

Basil immediately began to protest. "Build a lair? Build a _lair_? I can't even build a wooden wagon, and you're asking me to build a _lair_!"

This was not really true – Basil had found his niche in woodwork, and had moved on to more expansive projects (he was working on a finely-carved pair of double doors at the time).

Nicolette glared, and that shut Basil up. He feared she would carry out her threat of sitting on him, and decided it was best for his physical well-being if he agreed to her mad plan.

Nicolette then turned her attention to Colleen and Kerica, now that Basil was sufficiently subdued. "You, twins, are in the same dormitory as Klausey Wausey and the idiots," Nicolette noted, feeling pleased with herself at this deduction, "so you can help me collect information about him the same way you do about school affairs for _Shooting Stars_. Also, you can take photographs of him to decorate my lair with."

The Scout twins looked surreptitiously at each other at that last statement, Kerica finally nodding at Nicolette with an inward sigh. The only consolation for them was that Basil, too, had been roped in – both twins would take this chance and attempt to win the ebullient boy over, a dream they had harboured for the longest time.

Feeling unexpectedly oppressed, the three students were finally allowed to leave Nicolette's dormitory, leaving the grinning girl to rub her hands together in glee, once it was arranged that they were to meet her the next day after dinner.

Nicolette was very pleased with the recruitment of her new henchpeople.

Klausey Wausey would be hers in no time.

Gabrielle noted that Basil looked especially disconcerted at breakfast the morning after, though she failed to ask why when he slid into a seat beside Lorelei, not even endeavouring to steal food off the latter's plate. Violet wondered at Basil's reluctance to talk about the matter, though she was unsuccessful in spotting the shifty glances he kept casting at Klaus, who ate his breakfast, unaware.

Nicolette fidgeted all through the day, even during Biology, where the glares of Professor Launtcofo kept all the students quietly mutinous. She was especially composed in her seat next to Klaus – this was unusual, as the middle Baudelaire was accustomed to her ardent obsession with him, so much so that he had taken to pretending Nicolette was not there.

After dinner, Nicolette sent Basil to the woodwork rooms to fetch tools, so that construction of her lair could begin immediately. She dispatched Colleen and Kerica with orders to take pictures of Klausey Wausey and note down information on him and the idiots, a derogatory term she had begun using with reference to Lorelei and Gabrielle.

And so it continued this way for several weeks, Basil working feverishly to furnish Nicolette's basement hideout while the Scout twins learnt to use the school's photomanipulation software, such that they could add Nicolette in any photograph she liked.

Basil had managed to maintain his grades and think of sufficient excuses to keep Jared occupied, though he was losing sleep over Nicolette's insane designs, forced to skip dinner and labour late into the night. When, at last, he had completed work on the lair, he had lost a fair amount of weight, which cannot be said for Nicolette herself – after school, she was often found in the basement with Basil, barking orders at him while she lounged on planks, stuffing her face with crisps from her secret stash.

The Scout twins had an easy time, as compared to the exhausted Basil. The only menial labour they had suffered through thus far was carting furniture to the basement, Nicolette even making so bold as to command the twins to steal a sofa from the Library. They had also used the printing press to produce colour 'photos' of Nicolette and Klaus, while gathering as much information about the middle Baudelaire as they possibly could.

Completing Nicolette's errands thoroughly frustrated the Scout twins, who had planned on winning Basil over throughout the course of their services.

When Nicolette attended the last lesson the day after completion of her lair, she was absolutely delighted that her nefarious plans were in motion.

She was euphoric.

She was having serious bouts of hysteria.

Also, she was hallucinating.

_Nicolette skipped across a meadow of exquisite flowers in a white, floaty dress, Klaus running joyfully towards her with his arms outstretched._

_Her feet skimmed lightly over the grass as she approached her true love, romantic strains of music seeming to echo in the background. Klaus shouted her name in joy – "Abbott! Abbott!"_

_The lovestruck girl flung her arms around Klaus at last. It was paradise, and – _

"NICOLETTE ABBOTT!" Professor Launtcofo screeched. "RELEASE ME THIS INSTANT!"

Nicolette found herself back in Biology class, a rude shock as compared to her fantasy world.

Apparently, she had been so overjoyed at completion of her lair that she had begun to daydream, which explained her jogging slowly up to Professor Launtcofo and flinging her arms around his knees.

The assembled students roared with laughter, Gabrielle going so far as to fall off her chair, sitting weakly on the floor and giggling uncontrollably.

A dangerous look from the Professor silenced the lot of them, however, Gabrielle getting up and smoothing her skirt down, returning to her original seat.

"Back to your seat, Abbott," Launtcofo snapped.

Once she had released the Biology teacher from The Grip Of Death, Nicolette, eyes lowered, shuffled straight back to her seat, not even bothering to cast an obsessive eye over an amused Klaus.

Now, if only Nicolette could develop an obsession with Launtcofo instead of him, perhaps the bogus Professor would be sufficiently distracted and fail to pursue the Baudelaires…

Launtcofo swept a gaze over the subdued class once more, and resumed his lecture on the workings of the alimentary canal, indicating vehemently that food passed through the colon _before_ the stomach.

Klaus sighed.

Jared marched a haggard Basil over to the dinner table some time later, shoving a plate beneath his nose and spooning copious amounts of pudding onto his plate, thoroughly exasperated at his refusal to eat.

Basil had lost most of his enthusiasm for meals after playing witness to Nicolette's nocturnal binges, having to toil relentless despite the off-putting sounds of her chewing on whatever snack she happened to have at the time.

Violet and Klaus were appalled at Basil's sudden weight loss since the last time they had shared a dinner table with him, his cheekbones more prominent than ever and his complexion unusually pale from weeks of working in darkness.

Violet had never looked too closely at Basil during lessons – he always slouched in his seat at the back of the room, and he was usually the first one out the classroom door.

Lorelei and Gabrielle approached the table, also expressing shock at Basil's appearance. Gabrielle asked after his health, only to be rebuffed with a weak grin. Lorelei decided that questioning him was useless – she shot Jared a conspiratorial glance and began to feed Basil generous spoonfuls of pudding, to the amazement of everyone at table.

"I don't really like seeing food go to waste," Lorelei deadpanned, smoothing back her messy hair, "and if you're not going to feed your emaciated self someone has to do it."

Basil attempted resistance, though he eventually submitted to Lorelei's ministrations with a tired smile.

Several tables away, Colleen and Kerica shot Lorelei death glares.

Violet and Klaus fervently wished their problems could be solved as easily as eating pudding, but Klaus was soon to find that fate had allotted him more than his fair share of misery.


	10. The Beastly Bikini

(Gab_rielle_. Ma_rielle_. Sounds the same to me.) I deleted yet another chapter before this one. It was 4000 words long. Ouch. Read, review and enjoy! Thank you to Purple Pen for fave-ing.

Violet was rather amused to find that swimming lessons were finally on the schedule as she gathered her school notes the next morning at the breakfast table.

Klaus appeared highly disconcerted at the prospect, and took to questioning Jared, seated opposite with Basil and Marielle.

"All the new students are assessed the first lesson," Jared explained, trying not to grin too much. "That means you and Nicolette, for your cohort. The rest of us are lucky – we'll be continuing with whatever we were doing before, meaning I'll thrash Basil in competitive swimming."

Basil frowned. His fatigued appearance was helped slightly by the fact that he had been getting adequate sleep at last, though he had rebuffed all attempts regarding the truth behind his long-term absence from dinner.

Gabrielle had woken later, strolling casually down to the dining hall with Lorelei, confident her friends would save them seats. Lorelei sat down next to Violet, lazily twirling a lock of hair around one finger and smiling wickedly as she read through the timetable, shooting Gabrielle a surreptitious glance.

"I wouldn't much like to see Nicolette in her swimsuit," Gabrielle remarked as she bit at an apple.

Marielle grinned at Violet.

Klaus felt the entire table of six, discounting himself, fix on him with similar apologetic smirks, though his sister's smile betrayed the most sympathy.

"Are you going to give me a present, Klausey Wausey?" Nicolette chimed in suddenly as she waltzed over to the table, wiping crumbs off her cheeks.

Across from Lorelei, Basil turned pale.

"A _present_?" Klaus answered finally, with raised eyebrows.

"Today's my birthday," Nicolette explained, batting her eyelids. This only made it seem as if she was attempting to catch flies with her eyes.

"I didn't even know it was your birthday today," replied Klaus, trying to inch away.

Nicolette squealed and clapped her hands, moving closer to Klaus. "I'm so excited about swimming today! I'll see you down at the pool, Klausey Wausey!"

With that, Nicolette flounced away, blowing a kiss at the middle Baudelaire. Klaus ducked reflexively, emerging from under the table looking more than a little disturbed.

Lorelei resumed feeding Basil cereal – she and Jared had taken it into their heads that the older boy had an eating disorder, unaware of the true nature of his reluctance to consume food normally.

"Nicolette's the one who ought to have an eating disorder," Basil spoke up for no apparent reason as Jared poured him an extra glass of orange juice. Lorelei patted his hand in mollification.

Klaus sighed unhappily as Gabrielle and Marielle elaborated on swimming lessons. He was not about to embrace the prospect of Nicolette chasing him round and round the pool right after breakfast.

All the students from East Tower gathered at the poolside after a leisurely breakfast – due to the nature of swimming lessons, they had been allotted a much more expansive time within which to eat.

"All the new students over to me!" yelled Miss Lu, a diminutive, curly-haired teacher. "The rest of you, split into your groups."

Klaus strode over to her apprehensively, hoping Nicolette would forget all about the swimming classes that morning.

He watched Colleen and Kerica dive straight into the deep end – the twins were good swimmers, though they preferred to swim laps than compete. Lorelei and Gabrielle, members of the synchronized swimming team, appeared to be waiting for their teacher, just as Miss Lu waited for a certain Nicolette Abbott to arrive.

And arrive she did. Nicolette was racing towards the pool as fast as possible, a green towel clutched in her hand.

The fashion-crippled girl had donned a bikini, earning her disapproving glares from students and staff who knew very well that such swimsuits were banned in school. Klaus could hardly bear to look at Nicolette – all the middle Baudelaire saw was a grotesque mass of flesh that made him wish he could cauterise what remained of his eyes.

Unsurprisingly, Nicolette slipped in a puddle of water at the last moment and went skidding into Miss Lu, who rolled out of the way before the indecently-dressed girl landed on her. The dumbstruck swim teacher heaved Nicolette up with difficulty – she kept slipping on the wet tiles, the strings of her bikini straining treacherously.

Miss Lu dusted imaginary lint off her sports outfit and glared at Nicolette, who ignored her completely.

"Don't you think this is the most darling bikini ever?" Nicolette then went on to announce, eliciting smirks and laughter from the assembled students.

"Miss Abbott," snapped Miss Lu, "bikinis are _not_ allowed in Starmount Academy."

As per usual, Nicolette ignored her, striding over to Klaus instead and beginning to indiscreetly model her ill-fitting swimsuit.

"Klausey Wausey, I'm sure you would agree that I look positively…"

"THIS IS THE LAST TIME, MISS ABBOTT!" Miss Lu screamed, a vein throbbing at her temple as the entire cohort turned to stare.

Finally deigning to face the swim coach, Nicolette shot her a dirty look and sidled over to Klaus. The middle Baudelaire began to edge away, mouthing bombastic words in an attempt to distract himself from his predicament.

"Now," Miss Lu began rather irritably, "today I shall assess your aquatic ability and assist your decision in selecting a water-related activity in which to pursue during these lessons. Mr Baudelaire, Miss Abbott, you will pair up. You have no other choice in the matter, at any rate."

"Looks like me and you are partners, Klausey Wausey!" exclaimed Nicolette happily.

Klaus did not bother to correct her grammar, though he knew the grinning girl should have said 'you and I' instead of 'me and you'. He took a step back.

"Now, now, Klausey Wausey," Nicolette simpered, "don't keep hiding the fact that you love me, and I love you!"

Klaus promptly let out a yell as Nicolette latched onto his elbow, determined not to let go (she was not of sufficient height to reach his shoulder). He shook her off and took to his heels immediately, fleeing from her as fast as his legs would allow.

Miss Lu emitted an incoherent noise of frustration as Klaus sped off. Today was _not_ working out for her.

Nicolette began to pursue Klaus, her person bobbing up and down dangerously as she gave chase.

"Come back here, Klausey Wausey!" she would screech periodically at the top of her lungs, which is not a good place to be if you love silence.

As Miss Lu went into a fit, all activity at the poolside stopped short, students turning to watch the hideously funny spectacle taking place before their eyes. Lorelei and Gabrielle dropped to the ground in mid-discussion with their coach, rolling around clutching their stomachs as they laughed and laughed at Klaus and Nicolette.

"You should jump in," yelled a hysterical Colleen from the middle of the pool. Beside her, a trail of bubbles floated to the surface (it was Kerica, who had laughed herself to the point of submersion) as she watched Klaus run round the pool with Nicolette blobbing after him.

Klaus could endure the situation no longer. At Colleen's suggestion, he took a running jump that propelled him into the water, assuming he would be safe at last.

After all, no-one really expected Nicolette to jump in after the penultimate Baudelaire.

Nicolette defied all expectations in her desperation.

There was a sudden explosion of water as Nicolette leapt after Klaus, entering the pool on her back with a resounding _SLAP_. She was rendered unconscious almost immediately as shock waves travelled up her spine.

Gabrielle thought it immediately obvious that Nicolette did not know how to dive or swim.

When the water had finally settled, Klaus and Nicolette were drifting slowly in the water, both comatose as they descended.

Lorelei and Gabrielle shot each other a conspiratorial look, ran towards the pool and dived together. The girls made straight for Klaus, assuming Nicolette had larger lungs. They caught hold of the middle Baudelaire's arms and began to tug him towards the surface. Surprisingly, Colleen and Kerica were standing by, ready to help the cataleptic Klaus over to the side as their dorm-mates submerged again to help Nicolette, which was the right thing to do in any case.

The Scout twins then assisted Lorelei and Gabrielle in dragging the heftier Nicolette out of the pool. All four girls promptly collapsed from the effort, leaving Nicolette baking in the sun rather indecently (it was already fortunate that her bikini had not shifted out of position).

Miss Lu shook her head, bundling the Turquoise Room occupants in towels and chasing them up to the Infirmary 'before they caught pneumonia and died', according to the concerned swim coach. The students were prompt in following her directions, not wanting to risk her ire should one of her potential swim stars die.

The Matron rushed the five to the twenty-or-so beds in the Infirmary, Colleen and Kerica selecting two in the corner while Klaus and Gabrielle followed Lorelei's lead to sit by the window.

After examining each student in turn, the Matron declared them all fit for the following day, though she bade them all stay in the Infirmary for the night.

"Thanks, you two," Klaus called to the Scout twins at a little whisper from Gabrielle.

"You're welcome," replied Kerica without animosity, though she cast Colleen an unreadable glance that the middle Baudelaire could not interpret.

Klaus was relieved at not having to go down for lessons, especially since Biology was scheduled for the day, though the twins were rather put out at not being able to see Basil at lunch. Instead, they stayed in their corner, accepting the meal provided by the Matron (creamy chicken soup with garlic bread and green tea).

Lorelei bit meditatively at a garlic roll, smiling wickedly as she observed the commotion going down at the pool from the window by her bed.

Miss Lu and several braver students were rolling Nicolette around on the ground, trying to help her up and move her somewhere and wincing as they did their best to keep her obscenely small bikini in place.

Professor Launtcofo had been called out to help as well. He merely ran round shouting obscenities at Nicolette as he attempted to ban her from all school activities for the crime of overexposure. Gabrielle giggled, watching the bogus Professor press his safety goggles to his eyes in agony.

Klaus wished fervently that Principal Montreaux had been there to sack Launtcofo for lunacy, though the spectacle of his nemesis suffering under the eyesore of Nicolette brought a grin to his face.

"I just hope they don't bring her here," said Klaus, though he knew the chances of his wish coming true were extremely small.

To the mirth of the Scout twins, the comatose Nicolette was indeed hauled up to the Infirmary by Miss Lu and a traumatised Professor Launtcofo.

As if she could sense Klaus' presence in the room, Nicolette immediately came to, squealing "Klausey Wausey!" loudly enough for the entire room to hear.

"The poor boy," Miss Lu sighed to Launtcofo, who merely grunted in reply.

Klaus glanced at Lorelei and Gabrielle, praying the Matron would not ward Nicolette right next to him.

"Oh, darling!" the bikini-clad Nicolette cried as soon as she was let down, to a disgusted frown from Gabrielle. "Shall we take beds side by side?"

The Matron abruptly rushed in again, hustling Nicolette over to a bed beside the Scout twins' corner.

"My dear girl," the Matron reprimanded, "you need your rest. Stay right here and don't move."

Nicolette frowned, trying to struggle up and rush to Klaus. Her reserves failed her, though, and she fell back onto the bed, the mattress springs creaking discordantly.

Huffing, Nicolette contented herself with stretching her arms to Klaus imploringly, threatening to snap the material of her swimsuit. The disturbed Matron wheeled curtains round Nicolette's bed and forced her into a modest Infirmary gown, and I do mean forced. Those gowns came in only one size, supposedly to fit all.

The flustered Matron resorted to calming Nicolette with a generous shot of tranquillisers, Klaus relaxing immensely once Nicolette had been rendered unconscious.

The sounds of students assembling in the dining hall for lunch prompted the middle Baudelaire to hope that Violet was not overly concerned for him – after all, he was being given good food, Nicolette was not chasing him about and Launtcofo had fled the room, too disturbed by the sight of Nicolette's bikini to want to stay and menace him.

Violet ascended to visit Klaus, having gotten word of his current state from several East Tower students. After greeting the Scout twins and Nicolette, who was asleep with her eyes open, Violet approached Klaus, Lorelei and Gabrielle with a fretful eye.

"I heard you were unconscious, Klaus," Violet began. "Are you alright?"

Klaus grinned tiredly and recounted everything that had occurred down at the poolside, Violet looking especially amused upon hearing of Launtcofo's reaction to Nicolette's indecency.

"I finally found out how to keep him away," Violet joked. "We can wear outfits with pictures of Nicolette printed on the front!"

Klaus shook his head vigorously – to be a walking billboard to the atrocity of Nicolette in a bikini was one of his worst nightmares. Gabrielle reassured him it was not going to happen – she was adamant that a picture of Nicolette would not fit on any outfit.

Lorelei only smirked, as the Matron ushered Violet out, chivvying the eldest Baudelaire to her next lesson and reminding her Klaus required copious amounts of rest.

"I hear Nicolette snores at night," Gabrielle said suddenly. "Sometimes you can hear these odd rumbles from the Turquoise Room."

"Who does?" Klaus asked distractedly, his attention focused on the window so he would not have to look at the dozing Nicolette.

Lorelei sighed. "Icky Nicky," she answered finally, seeing as Gabrielle was too busy undergoing a fit of exasperation to answer.

Biting his lip in consternation, Klaus returned to his window, not optimistic about getting a good night's sleep.


	11. The Crude Kiss

Read, review, enjoy – three simple instructions for all of life's matters. Just a little something for Klaus – the worst is yet to come! The title is because I was too indolent to think of an adjective beginning with C.

To Greedy-Gretchen, who is awesome for giving 6 reviews to date: I love this version too! The previous one made me cringe. I cut out Mellisande and Natania for fear of ruining everything with clique-ness, and decided to focus more on Violet and Klaus. I guessed that it would have been irrational for Basil to be completely evil, especially with an employer like Nicolette. Thanks for reading and reviewing! It made my day :)

Klaus, Lorelei, Gabrielle and the Scout twins spent the night at the Infirmary with Nicolette. The Turquoise Room occupants had only barely gotten sleep due to the fact that they were horrendously exhausted from the Herculean feats of the day before – even then, Nicolette's intermittent snores had broken their sleep quite thoroughly.

All six wards were permitted to leave – the Matron gave them a careful once-over, as paranoid adults were wont to do, and sent them down to the dining hall for breakfast.

Lorelei went about her usual morning routine, feeding herself and then the lean Basil, who had, by then, become used to her coaxing, though she was careful this time to keep herself out of the Scout twins' line of vision.

Gabrielle was thoroughly amused by all of this, until Klaus gave her a sharp tap on the arm.

"We need to get upstairs for Literature," the middle Baudelaire reminded her.

Lorelei shoved the half-empty bowl of cereal under Jared's nose, telling him to force all of it down Basil's throat as Gabrielle dragged her away from the table and out of the dining hall.

"Today," Mrs Knicker said sharply as Klaus skidded into class five minutes late with Lorelei and Gabrielle, "we will study the works of Edgar Allan Poe."

Klaus smiled, pleased at the news as Mrs Knicker proceeded with an overview of Edgar Allan Poe's poetry. She handed out copies of _The Raven_, instructing the students to get into groups of four or five to complete a lengthy paper. Gabrielle sidled up to Klaus with a grin – she was not poor in the subject, though she knew Klaus would be an asset to completing the assignment as quickly as possible.

Gabrielle enlisted two of their classmates to join their group, the five working quietly until the task at hand was complete. Klaus was delighted to find that the questions were in-depth but largely a cakewalk, for him, at least. Nearby, Nicolette had been grouped with the Scout twins and two other reluctant students, who knew very well that the deranged girl was more of a hindrance than a help.

"Good thing we're not being bothered by -" Lorelei began, only to stop short to find Nicolette flouncing towards them.

Nicolette had deserted her team mates to approach Klaus' table and, sadly, get on everyone's nerves. The students seated with Klaus had a dangerously low supply of nerves left, and Nicolette was _trampling_ on them, judging by the look on Lorelei's face.

Nicolette skirted the table, moving over to Klaus and shoving a taller boy aside. She slammed her hands on the desk.

"Hey, there, Klausey Wausey!" she squealed, though she had just seen him that morning in the Infirmary.

Klaus shot back in his chair, its legs screeching discordantly against the floor. Mrs Knicker looked up briefly, but believing Nicolette had done no wrong, she let the matter drop and returned to her pile of unmarked essays.

"Klausey Wausey," continued Nicolette annoyingly as she moved yet closer to Klaus.

The middle Baudelaire could edge back no longer – if he had been trying, he would have been slamming his chair into the wall repeatedly to no effect whatsoever.

"Klausey Wausey," Nicolette repeated, appearing to deliberate over a momentous topic before continuing. "Wanna go out with me tomorrow?"

This was so unexpected it caught everybody off balance – the girl seated beside Klaus had come close to falling off her chair in a silent fit of giggles.

Slowly, as if to clear it, Klaus shook his head, gradually increasing the speed at which he vehemently disagreed.

"I don't think I'll be free," Klaus said finally, trying not to hurt Nicolette's feelings despite all she had plagued him with.

"Of course you will!" Nicolette chirped brightly, as if she had failed to hear him. "See you tomorrow, right after breakfast!"

"Because everybody knows that breakfast cannot wait," Lorelei deadpanned.

Nicolette harrumphed. "I bet you two just brainwashed my Klausey Wausey here!" said the delusional girl stubbornly. "I know he loves me – watch _this_!"

Nicolette plowed towards Klaus, smothered him and gave him the most disturbing, slobbering kiss ever recorded in living history. This was understandable, given that 'Icky Nicky' had had no prior experience in anything apart from eating and wearing obscene clothing.

"There, see, he loves me," Nicolette crowed, turning on her heel and taking such small steps in a bid to be graceful that she overbalanced and fell flat on her grinning face.

Klaus busied himself with wiping his face repeatedly on the front of his school sweater, gasping raggedly at the horror of his experience.

"She has an entirely Mephistophelean complex!" he exclaimed hoarsely, grabbing at every single tissue his concerned classmates passed to him and scrubbing his face till it was raw.

Klaus was aghast at the prospect of the following day – Nicolette would be on the lookout for him even more so than usual so they could go on their 'date', in which she would probably drag him off forcefully if it came to that.

"Me-what?" Mrs Knicker asked, peering over the edge of her desk, having missed the dreadful spectacle that had only just occurred.

"Fiendish," Klaus explained to his teacher.

Klaus spent the rest of the day unconsciously rubbing at his face – he did not realise the ferocity of his attempts to clean himself until Violet commented on his red cheeks at dinner.

Mightily uncomfortable, Klaus explained his terrible experience with Nicolette to his sister, watching as Violet's expressions wheeled through amusement, disgust and sympathy.

After dinner, the Baudelaires took off for the Library, Violet suggesting that a good book could help Klaus get over the trauma of the day. The eldest Baudelaire took to speaking of Sunny, and listed the dishes the youngest Baudelaire would probably have learnt to cook already so as to take her brother's mind off the determined stalker that was Nicolette.

The middle Baudelaire decided on an early night after a considerably calming hour of absorbing information and talking with Violet, adamant that things would look much better to him in the morning.

However, as Klaus turned out the lights on his side of the room to avoid disturbing the Scout twins, he caught Nicolette's heavy tread as she passed the Turquoise Room, singing a ridiculous love song at the top of her lungs.

Though Klaus knew very well that Nicolette was unable to fly through walls (though she could probably crash right through them if she so desired), he felt as though he would always be watched by her as he bid good-night to his dorm mates.

The middle Baudelaire eventually rolled over and went to sleep, imagining rather morbidly that the last thing he saw would be Nicolette sailing through the air and landing on him, a psychotic grin plastered on her wide face.


	12. The Perilous Preparations

Read, review and enjoy – Klaus encounters yet more misery here in the shape of Nicolette Abbott. Thank you to the awesome Phish Tacko for fave-ing and reviewing! This is the last chapter I post before I leave for Sydney (I think), so no Lousy Lair updates for about six days. Cheers till then! PS: It is true. I am incapable of writing romance, even to such a tiny extent.

To Greedy-Gretchen: I came to realise the awful mistake present in the old version, where the story seemed to revolve round the characters I created instead of the Baudelaires. It was so unbearably clique-ish. Olaf also seemed to be there for no reason whatsoever, when he's really the main threat. I'm going to be evil and tell you to read on to find out, regarding the kidnap and Olaf's plots. Cheers!

The next day happened to be Saturday, a welcome break from the drudgery of school for the Baudelaires and their schoolmates. Gabrielle woke Klaus, reminding him not to sleep through breakfast, to find Lorelei already gone from the room.

"That's strange," Gabrielle frowned, looking hard at Lorelei's empty bed. "Lori'd usually wait for me."

"I'm sure she would," Klaus reassured her, letting out an accidental yawn. "Lorelei's probably downstairs feeding Basil."

"You're probably right," Gabrielle shrugged as she exited the Turquoise Room, the middle Baudelaire trailing behind. "I wonder why she even bothers, though? Basil has a track record of short-sheeting beds, and Lorelei's always been a victim of his antics, even when we were little at Christmas Manor."

"Maturity comes with age?" Klaus offered as he walked. "An eating disorder _is_ a matter of concern, though."

He understood Gabrielle's heavily-veiled interest in Lorelei's whereabouts, chiefly due to his bittersweet experience with Fiona Widdershins, though he dismissed the thought that the stoic guitarist would have similar sentiments towards Basil.

Violet was sitting alone at a corner table in the dining hall with Jared and Marielle, eating quietly and watching Marielle fiddle with a broken telescope.

"Good morning!" Klaus greeted, looking round reflexively to ensure Nicolette had seated herself a great distance from him.

"Has anyone seen Lorelei?" Gabrielle asked. "Every year since we came to Starmount, the two of us have always had breakfast together. I wonder what could make her miss out on our daily ritual this morning!"

"Basil dragged her off somewhere," Jared explained. "He wanted to prove to her that he doesn't have an eating disorder so that she'll stop feeding him, however convenient it may be."

"I'd like to have someone feed _me_ every morning," Marielle chimed in, pouring herself a glass of orange juice.

Over at her table, Nicolette Abbott was wearing a wide, wide grin. Today was the day her master plan would be put into action – she had been planning this weekend ever since her lair's completion, and had come up with an original threat to use on the Scout twins to recruit them into assisting her one last time.

Stuffing her pockets with as many raisin rolls as she could snatch off her fellow students' plates as she passed by, Nicolette made her ponderous way to the table where the Scout twins were seated. Aghast at the tyrannical girl's reappearance, Colleen and Kerica made as if to scramble away from the table, only to stop short at Nicolette's menacing grin.

All the other students seated with the twins had fled, afraid the gluttonous girl would grab food off their plates as well. Nicolette had no qualms making her terms known.

"I have a new threat I will carry out if you don't help me," Nicolette said matter-of-factly. "I will pick the lock on your dormitory door while you're asleep, and then I will squash you flat."

"You _wouldn't_," Kerica gaped, her mouth opening and closing soundlessly at the thought.

"I'll leave you alone if you help me just one more time," Nicolette said airily, waving her pudgy fingers. "Just think about it! Wake up tomorrow with the three-dimensional nature of a pancake, which I could devour right now, or carry out this last plan of mine and not be bothered again."

Colleen nodded briskly, pushing her bowl of cereal at the grinning Nicolette in placation, though her pockets were already bursting with food.

"Fine," Colleen said at last. "We'll let you order us around, Icky Nicky – _I mean_, we'll help you one more time, Nicolette."

"Good," Nicolette grinned. "It'll just be us girls tonight – I won't need Basil's skills any more."

The Scout twins shared a surreptitious glance. _Us girls?_

In their opinion, there was no basis whatsoever for comparison between themselves and Nicolette. They could only stare, horrified, as Nicolette began to explain her insane designs – the most appalling thing was that her plans were very, very plausible, so much so that Colleen and Kerica were afraid she would succeed.

"For the last time, Lori," Klaus heard Basil said patiently as he entered the Library with his sister, "I don't have an eating disorder. It's the fault of a completely unrelated matter that I no longer have interest in food."

Violet peered curiously round the nearest shelf to find Lorelei brandishing a thick volume in one hand while explaining something to a horizontal Basil – he was sprawled out on one of the sofas, listening unhurriedly. The Baudelaires had retreated to the enclave of comfortable seats that day only to find the two who had been missing at breakfast.

"Jared's explained a few things to me," Violet heard Lorelei reply. "From how you've been acting, you appear to have a problem, Basil. Look here."

Lorelei opened the book she had been holding and sat down beside Basil. The Baudelaire siblings looked at each other, both feeling as if this was not something they should be eavesdropping on.

"You missed dinner for about a term, you lost weight so dramatically and you have no more interest in food," Lorelei listed, smacking the arm of the sofa emphatically at every point. "From what I hear, your interest in things you used to like has also waned – you don't even use cinnamon products any more."

"One - I was studying. Two – maybe I overworked myself a little. Three – perhaps I've decided to stop being a glutton after seeing how Nicolette eats. Four – I still use cinnamon shampoo. Jared kept bugging me about contaminating the air in the Green Room, so I threw everything else away," Basil rebuffed with a tired smile. "Besides, I haven't yet lost interest in you, Lori."

Seeing Lorelei blush, Violet tugged on Klaus' sleeve.

"I don't think we should be listening to this," she smiled.

The Baudelaires walked out of the Library silently, knowing Gabrielle would have massacred an entire city in cold blood just to eavesdrop on the conversation they had witnessed.

Klaus accompanied Violet to the Green Room to help her with a Literature paper – the eldest Baudelaire was no dimwit, though she appreciated her brother's insight on a day meant for excessive relaxation.

She was also rather more eased at the fact that Professor Launtcofo had taken every excuse to be on sick leave ever since seeing Nicolette in her bikini, so much so that she wished 'Icky Nicky' would come up with another way to inadvertently traumatise the evil man.

Voicing this thought to Klaus, Violet began to laugh as her brother's face paled at the revolting recollections of Nicolette during swimming lessons and how the demented girl had attempted to kiss him during the Literature class of the previous day.

"Considering how much damage she's done," said Klaus, gesturing at himself, "there can't be anything worse she could possibly come up with!"

"I'm sure she's run out of ideas," reassured Violet as she stapled the papers of her essay together. "Perhaps we won't be seeing Nicolette for quite some time."

"I hope so," Klaus sighed, sitting down on his sister's bed and beginning to flip through her Geography textbook.

Colleen and Kerica appeared to be the ones with eating disorders at dinner, barely touching their meals as they split their time between glaring at Lorelei, seated with Basil, and looking worriedly at each other. Across from them, Nicolette was shoving down her fifth bowl of macaroni and cheese, the front of her uniform already dotted with globules of food.

"You remember what you're supposed to do, don't you?" Nicolette asked, for the eighth time that night since she had begun to eat.

Kerica nodded, the question having already grown too tiresome to answer orally.

"Meet me outside the Ebony Room," Nicolette droned, pausing to stuff another heaping of macaroni into her mouth, "right after everyone is asleep, especially the idiots, and we'll put my intelligent plan into action."

And that was what the unwilling Scout twins did late that night. Preserving their three-dimensional forms was of great importance, seeing as their vital organs would be unable to operate should they be crushed flat beneath Nicolette's bulk.

Klaus, Lorelei and Gabrielle were sound asleep, the lights on their side of the room turned off. Colleen and Kerica had stayed awake for the past hour, pinching themselves periodically to ensure their wakefulness.

Kerica, seated closest to the exit, slid out of bed at a nod from Colleen. She tiptoed over to the dormitory door and unlatched it gently, glancing ruefully at the snoozing Baudelaire before beckoning to her twin.

The two girls slipped outside, creeping down the short stretch of corridor to the Ebony Room. Colleen tapped on the door; her actions elicited no response. Kerica sighed, pushing Colleen aside and giving the jet-black slab of wood several sharp raps.

The incessant noise eventually prompted a crumb-covered Nicolette to open the door and admit the twins.

"Are they all asleep?" Nicolette asked, crushing up the empty bag of cookies she had been holding and tossing it over her shoulder.

"Yes, Nicolette," Colleen sighed. "We wouldn't have come here if our dorm mates were still awake, would we?"

"Don't take that tone with me," Nicolette frowned, going over to her suitcase and pulling out a sparkly red outfit. "Now for step two of my plan! Stay right there and don't you two move."

The Scout twins wore identical resigned looks as they watched Nicolette stroll off to her en-suite bathroom, glittery ensemble in hand. Of all the components of the insane girl's plan, this was the part they had been dreading most.


	13. The Appalling Abduction

Read, review and enjoy. I **loved** Sydney. I'm homesick for that place. Nicolette unsettles me.

To Gen: I still hate writing romance. Thanks anyway! (: Trust me, I'm right about these things.

To Greedy-Gretchen: I agree, but I can't help it if Colleen, Kerica and Basil are too afraid to go to the principal! XD Nicolette is one fearsome beast. Okay, I'll keep the 'Violet is protective' thing in mind for future chapters. The dance is out of the story for good. That was the part that elicited the most cringing from me, and making Klaus fall for Lorelei or Gabrielle would render them Mary Sues. Also, being _super secret agents_ and _orphans who have also been terrorized by Olaf_ already made them Mary Sues. Thank you for all of your reviews, I appreciate it!

Nicolette modeled her special outfit proudly before the wincing Scout twins, parading up and down the length of the Ebony Room in a frilly, sparkling red dress, complete with a tiara that looked suspiciously like cardboard.

As one can imagine, this combination was not in the least flattering, especially for someone of Nicolette's girth. Just so she could make things worse, 'Icky Nicky' had donned a pair of exceedingly tiny, polka-dotted stockings that already had more than one run in them, and had then added a pair of ballet shoes she had stolen from the dance studio. Fortunately, Nicolette's shoes fit, since her feet were small, though everything else was a mistake of incredible proportions.

"Don't the shoes add a touch of grace and beauty?" Nicolette asked, a rhetorical question as she pranced about the dormitory. "I think we should get going on my plan now, though – it's all your fault this took so long, you silly twins!"

Colleen and Kerica did not bother to argue. Waiting for people to fall asleep has never been renowned for efficiency, and it had largely been Nicolette's fault that more time was wasted in the Ebony Room. After all, no-one had asked the potential asylum candidate to strut about her dormitory in a silly outfit before two other students.

Nicolette strode gleefully out into the corridor, waving impatiently at Kerica to open the door to the Turquoise Room. Once she had gained entry to the dormitory, Nicolette crept over to Klaus' bed, Colleen indicating the middle Baudelaire's sleeping place with a reluctant gesture.

Klaus was having a terribly uncomfortable dream to do with a tedious journey to the African plains. He had been riding in a jeep with Violet and Sunny when an elephant had picked him right up and pulled him out of the car, dragging him across dried, weather-beaten grass to some unknown destination.

It felt too real, until he woke, and found that it was.

The first sensation apparent to Klaus once he had woken was that of Nicolette's pudgy fingers tight around his wrists as she dragged him out of his bed with surprising might. Realizing his predicament, Klaus began to shout, waking Lorelei and Gabrielle.

Gabrielle gave a moan, unhappy at being jerked out of a wonderful dream of entering and winning a ballroom dance competition.

"Five more minutes, _please_," she whined drowsily as Lorelei sat up and flicked the lights on.

The room promptly exploded in laughter. Nicolette's frilly dress reflected light as would a mirrored disco ball, and only drew attention to the fact that she was attired atrociously. Tears of mirth started in Klaus' eyes as he struggled in Nicolette's grip, finding, to his dismay, that most of his energy had been consumed by the intense fit of laughter.

Lorelei was whacking her pillow with her fists, laughing at Nicolette with utmost lunacy. Gabrielle, too, was far from sane as she giggled wildly, pointing uncontrollably at the fashion disaster standing before her.

Even the Scout twins, who had already seen Nicolette's outfit once, were trying not to snicker as they took over from Nicolette, carrying Klaus out of the room by his arms and legs.

For once, Nicolette did not care about being laughed at, though she believed her outfit was wonderfully stylish. In fact, she wanted Lorelei and Gabrielle to laugh at her, knowing that, weak with laughter, the idiots would not be able to save their darling from his rightful love.

Striking a pose in the doorway of the Turquoise Room before following Colleen and Kerica, Nicolette garbled a Spanish phrase, _hasta la vista_, before she sailed out the door.

Lorelei and Gabrielle scrambled after her, only to collapse in the doorway as Nicolette sashayed down the hall. They could only giggle at the spectacle taking place before their eyes as Klaus hollered for help – it was surprising the students along the corridor had not yet woken up at the ruckus.

The middle Baudelaire had soon stopped laughing at the deranged Nicolette, though she was flouncing along beside him in her appalling outfit with a dopey grin on her face. Klaus struggled, his body twisting in mid-air as the Scout twins carried him unceremoniously down the stairs – no matter how he tried, he could not get free.

Nicolette was triumphant at the cleverness of her plan. Having disarmed Lorelei and Gabrielle via the only method open to her, debilitating laughter, Nicolette sauntered off to her lair with her prisoner in tow.

Klaus found himself in a basement room, where he was dropped callously onto a maroon couch that had originally belonged to the Library. As he watched the Scout twins slam the extra-wide door shut, Klaus began to feel as if all his thoughts about Nicolette being a good, non-stalking person at heart were vastly incorrect.

The middle Baudelaire child was struck dumb by the murals and photographs of himself, arrayed all along the walls of Nicolette's lair. Almost everything in the insane girl's secret abode had a picture of Klaus pasted or printed on.

Nicolette did a victory dance around her lair, her stockings finally ripping with an ugly sound as she pranced before Klaus in her silly outfit. Klaus focused uncomfortably on a poster of himself seated at lunch with Lorelei or Gabrielle. It was no longer clear as to which girl he had been sitting beside – someone had, effectively, photomanipulated Lorelei or Gabrielle out of the picture and had added Nicolette instead.

The Scout twins sidled over to Klaus, using Nicolette's pair of padded handcuffs to cuff him to the couch.

"Why did you even help her?" Klaus hissed at the wincing twins.

Kerica twiddled her thumbs uncomfortably. "Look, Klaus," she said quickly, "we only helped her kidnap you because Nicolette threatened to squash us in our sleep. You understand, don't you?"

Klaus frowned. "Please explain more quickly, Kerica," he replied, too confused to be angry. "It looks like she'll be done with her ridiculous dance soon."

"Basil was the one involved in the main construction of the lair," Colleen interjected quickly. "He even joked about building a secret door for you to escape in case Nicolette really intended to kidnap you. We'll speak to him tomorrow at breakfast and ask him if he knows how to get you out."

"For now you need to stay here," Kerica said apologetically. "If you escape, Nicolette will find a way to blame it on us and she'll carry her threat out."

"Enough talk!" Nicolette snapped suddenly, striding over to Klaus, Colleen and Kerica but falling flat on her grinning face, as per usual.

Klaus no longer found his captor's attire quite so amsuing, especially since her dress was in serious danger of splitting down the sides.

"You're going to love me forever and ever!" Nicolette said happily, climbing onto the couch and attaching herself to Klaus' arm. "Twins, you can leave now. Go on!"

Colleen and Kerica gladly excused themselves, and Klaus felt his heart sink as Nicolette began to ramble on about 'love spanning the bridge of eternity'.

Lorelei and Gabrielle awoke the next morning with heavy hearts. Instead of helping Klaus the night before, they had _laughed_ at his predicament, though it had not been entirely their fault.

Lorelei viewed it as a lapse of her self-control – with her martial arts skills, she would have been able to free Klaus from the iron-fisted grip of the Scout twins. Gabrielle knew she could have assisted as well – her dance classes had made her nimble and light on her feet, and there would have been a chance as colossal as Nicolette that she could have outmaneuvered the Scout twins.

Wordlessly, the two girls departed for breakfast that Sunday morning, only to find a weary Colleen waiting for them outside the dining hall.

"What do you want?" Gabrielle demanded, striding up to Colleen angrily. "What have you done with Klaus?"

"Come and sit with us at breakfast," Colleen said, not meeting her dorm mates' eyes. "Basil and Kerica will help to explain everything."

"Basil?" Lorelei gaped, suddenly dismayed. "_Basil_ had a hand in this?"

Colleen beckoned to them and they followed her into the dining hall without a word.

The two girls seated themselves with Basil and the Scout twins. Violet had also been sought out, and was seated next to Kerica, wearing an expression of absolute shock.

Violet had always believed that the main hazard posed to herself and her siblings was that of Professor Launtcofo, who was prowling the dining hall that very morning. This time, though, Klaus had been threatened by a very different force, one determined to tear the last of his sanity to shreds.

Violet feared Nicolette had already succeeded in permanently damaging her brother's mind.

"Icky Nicky forced us to help her build her lair last semester," Basil began quietly as Lorelei glared at him. "She told us she'd sit on us if we didn't cooperate."

Nobody laughed.

Cutlery clinked silently as the students began to eat.

"At the time, we weren't sure what Nicolette wanted her own lair for, only that it was something to do with Klaus," elaborated Kerica after swallowing a scant mouthful of cereal, "but she told Colleen and myself just yesterday morning that she planned to kidnap him that very night."

"And how did she rope you in?" Gabrielle asked, stirring her glass of juice aimlessly.

"She told us she would pick the lock on the Turquoise Room door while we sleep and squash us flat if we refused," Kerica shuddered.

Violet and Basil winced in unison.

"I really was joking about the secret doorway when I spoke to the Scout twins last semester," Basil spoke up, "but if Nicolette's the only one in the lair, it should be simple enough to get Klaus out through the main exit."

"Why didn't you do that already?" Violet asked. "We could have gotten him out earlier than this!"

"Nicolette said she would carry out her threat," Colleen said quickly. "But we'll do everything we can to free Klaus by tonight."

"I think you should," Lorelei said, speaking up for the first time. "Nicolette could possibly have destroyed the last iota of Klaus' sanity by this time."

"Let's meet in the Green Room in an hour," Violet suggested at last. "When we do we'll begin our attempt to free my brother."

"We're sorry, Violet," Kerica said, her usual scowl absent.


	14. The Revolutionary Rescue

Read, review and enjoy. (I really hate writing scenes with Olaf/Launtcofo in them, because they're tedious. I also hate writing action scenes. They are tedious to watch, read and write.) Thank you to EleanorMiller17 for fave-ing! School is mean nowadays, so there will be longer lag times between updates.

To Greedy-Gretchen: You said it – poor Lori. As for the _Basil is struck by lightning_ bit, it seems a little silly now, so no. Colleen and Kerica are probably going to be a little nicer, since leaving Klaus with Nicolette is just excessively merciless. XD As for your questions, you'll have to read on and see, won't you?

Lorelei pushed her empty bowl of cereal away suddenly, Kerica's apology evidently triggering something.

"I'm… I'll be at the Library," she said shortly, getting up from the table and stalking out of the dining hall.

Gabrielle got up, meaning to go after her friend, only to be stopped by Basil catching hold of her arm.

"I need to do this," he said, getting up and running after Lorelei.

Across the table, the Scout twins looked away.

Klaus had been kept awake all night by Nicolette's snoring. She had fallen asleep on his shoulder after rambling about their virtues as a couple, bestowing intense pain upon the middle Baudelaire as she leaned against him. Nicolette had woken the next morning, greeting the heavy-eyed Klaus enthusiastically and reattaching herself to his arm after retrieving a packet of crisps from a bag she had brought down to the lair.

Nicolette munched on her breakfast for some time, not even thinking to offer Klaus a single potato chip. He was maddeningly uncomfortable, handcuffed forcefully to the couch.

"You know what, Klausey Wausey?" began Nicolette, crumbs spraying out from between her lips, "I bet you love me more than Lorelei or Gabrielle!"

Nicolette began to monologue again, Klaus rolling his eyes as the deranged girl punctuated every other statement by squeezing his arm and swinging her legs, the material of her glittery dress straining dangerously.

Klaus scowled, doing a good imitation of the Scout twins as Nicolette emphasised the irritating nickname she had coined 'specially for him'.

"It's darling, isn't it, Klausey Wausey?" she exclaimed.

"Please stop calling me 'Klausey Wausey', Nicolette," he said finally. "It's a sickening name."

"How about Wauseykins?" grinned the overly-eager Nicolette.

Klaus gave an inward sigh.

He fervently hoped the Scout twins would keep their word in asking Basil to help rescue him – the middle Baudelaire was not sure how much longer his sanity would prevail.

Basil caught up with Lorelei along the passageway leading to the Library.

"Lori, let me explain," Basil panted, catching hold of her shoulder. "I know there are some things I didn't tell you that day we were in the Library together."

"Isn't it?" she replied. "Basil, I don't need you to lie to me."

"Look – the reason why I skipped so many dinners is because Nicolette forced me to work on her lair all those nights after school," Basil said, rushing through his words. "She threatened me the same way she got the twins to help her."

"So I should be feeling sorry for you," drawled Lorelei sarcastically. "You helped a psychopath kidnap my friend!"

"Lori, it's hard to explain, and I am sorry I did it," Basil said hollowly. "But when Nicolette gets into a deranged mood, nothing will stop her from getting what she wants, not even if it's kidnapping Klaus Baudelaire. You don't know the extent she'll go to."

"In that case," came a rough voice from behind the two students, "I should take a leaf out of that Abbott girl's book."

Lorelei and Basil slowly turned round to find Professor Launtcofo smiling meanly down at them.

Violet, Gabrielle and the Scout twins had gathered in the Green Room, the eldest Baudelaire pacing the floor as she awaited Lorelei and Basil.

"I wonder what could be keeping them," Gabrielle wondered aloud.

"If they're not here by this time, I think the four of us should leave first," Violet sighed. "Nicolette's lair should be easy enough to locate, since Colleen and Kerica are here to help."

The Scout twins tried to give Violet encouraging smiles, the prospect of death by Nicolette making them fail terribly.

The Scout twins exited the dormitory with Violet and Gabrielle following behind. Gabrielle had brought a roll of duct tape from the art room, 'just in case', and Violet had slipped a hairpin into her pocket, having learnt about the padded handcuffs in Nicolette's possession.

The group made for the nearest flight of stairs, descending to the unused basement level. After a hesitant pause, Colleen guided the group down the left hallway, towards the lair of Nicolette Abbott.

Kerica turned the handle of the extra-large door, pleased to find that Nicolette had been too slothful to get up off the couch and ensure that her lair was secure. Gabrielle stopped her at the last moment, stepping back and kicking the door open impatiently.

"Nicolette, you – " Gabrielle began threateningly, only to stop short.

Professor Launtcofo, his afro wig and safety goggles discarded on the floor, had hold of Lorelei by the collar of her school uniform, caught in mid-gesticulation as he pointed at Klaus. Basil was sprawled on the floor, holding a hand to his head and grimacing in pain.

Nicolette had evidently been knocked unconscious, reduced to a large sparkly lump at the foot of the couch, and that was the sole thing Violet was grateful for as she stepped into the gluttonous girl's hidden sanctuary.

"Don't move, Baudelaire," Count Olaf grinned, his true identity revealed at last. "I have three hostages here, and you're not about to put them in danger, are you?"

"Don't listen to him, Violet! He forced us to lead him here!" Basil yelled, trying to struggle upright. "He planned to get to Nicolette's lair before you so he could use Klaus as bait! He's going to set fire to –"

Olaf turned and gave Basil a swift kick. Lorelei tried to struggle out of his grip, snatching at empty air as she watched Basil sink weakly to the floor again.

Before the dastardly man could begin his villainous monologue, Violet turned quickly to Gabrielle and the Scout twins.

"Get out of the lair," she said quickly, "and please get help! You don't need to get involved with this man…"

Colleen and Kerica took to their heels and fled as Violet suggested. Only Gabrielle remained behind, standing in the doorway with a stubborn look on her face.

"You're my friends," Gabrielle responded, brandishing the duct tape. "I'm staying here to help."

"Gabrielle, you don't…"

Their attentions returned to Olaf at a frightened noise from Klaus. The arsonist had produced a lighter from the pocket of his lab coat and was threatening him with a tiny flame in front of his nose.

Olaf released Lorelei and shoved her to the ground so as to be able to menace Klaus more effectively. She immediately crawled over to the prostrate Basil, attempting to drag him to the exit unnoticed.

"What would you prefer me to burn down, Violet?" Olaf grinned. "Your brother, your school or Christmas Manor?"

Violet bravely crossed the room to stand beside Klaus, reflexively trying to tie her hair up while surreptitiously manipulating the hairpin in a shaking hand. If she was right, her maneuver would be able to buy them and their schoolmates some time.

"Well, Violet?" prompted Olaf. "What will it be?"

"We'll give you the Baudelaire fortune," Violet said, slowly working the hairpin into the lock holding the handcuffs shut. "In return, you leave Christmas Manor and Starmount Academy alone."

Taking advantage of Olaf's temporary bemusement, Gabrielle edged over to Lorelei, helping her ease Basil upright and drag him to the exit.

"And what makes you so sure I'll cooperate with you?" Olaf replied.

"Nicolette is in possession of the Abbott family fortune," Klaus lied, catching on to Violet's plan. "I am fully capable of swaying her into giving up her inheritance."

"And you are willing to do that, bookworm?"

Violet twisted the makeshift lockpick as subtly as she could, hoping to unfasten the loathsome handcuffs holding her brother prisoner as Klaus continued to fabricate replies.

Suppressing a look of satisfaction as the lock finally clicked open, Violet gave Gabrielle and Lorelei a quick glance, hoping fervently they would do the right thing, and yelled, "now!"

Gabrielle hurled the roll of duct tape at Count Olaf's head as Lorelei ran forward and kicked him in the back. Olaf let out a shout of rage, his momentary lapse of attention prompting Klaus to swipe the box of matches from the bogus teacher's lab coat before running out of the lair.

Violet slammed the door behind her and held it fast, Klaus helping her barricade it with his weight.

"You should get Basil to the Infirmary," Violet said to Lorelei and Gabrielle, wincing as Olaf began to put force to the door. "We'll hold Olaf off for as long as we can!"

Lorelei helped Basil down the passage, Gabrielle stepping forward to take the box of matches from Klaus.

"I'll hide it somewhere Olaf won't find it," Gabrielle promised. "Good luck, Baudelaires!"

As their friends fled, Klaus turned to Violet with a sudden grin.

"Klaus," Violet enunciated slowly, pushing with all her might on the door, "I don't think this something to be happy about."

"That's not it. I'm free from Nicolette!" replied Klaus gleefully, sobering immediately after that statement.

Violet smiled at Klaus for a moment.

"I would thank you for rescuing me, Violet, but I think we should save it for later," Klaus said as Olaf began to rage incoherently from behind the door.


	15. The Troublesome Trap

I would really love to make Olaf disappear in a puff of smoke. Writing him into the story was one of the most difficult chores ever. Thank you to everyone who has reviewed and faved this story!

As I have mentioned, expect longer lag times between chapters - I have a pile of notes pertaining to various academic subjects to read and remember, and the exams are coming.

Read, review and enjoy.

The Scout twins sprinted down to the basement with a gasping Principal Montreaux on their heels.

Kerica wielded a baseball bat, taken from the principal's private collection, while Colleen clutched a brass sculpture meant to resemble a flamethrower, pilfered from Montreaux's office.

Principal Montreaux would have loved to be holding an oxygen tank, judging by his laborious inhalations, but was unarmed as Colleen and Kerica dragged him down the passage to Nicolette's lair.

Seeing the Baudelaires putting their weight to the severely straining door, the Scout twins ran forward to help. As much as they had been unpleasant or indifferent to Violet and Klaus before, they were determined not to let Olaf go unpunished for the crime of injuring Basil, and gave their assistance wholeheartedly to the cause.

"I don't believe Launtcofo would do any such thing," Montreaux said stoutly as he approached the four students. "Let him out of there so he can explain himself!"

"He is _not_ Launtcofo, he's…" Violet began.

"Miss Baudelaire," said Principal Montreaux patiently, taking his baseball bat from Kerica, "I do believe I am competent enough to deal with an irate maniac, should there be one behind that door."

Abruptly, the Baudelaire siblings and the Scout twins stepped aside, letting the door fly open to reveal an enraged Count Olaf.

Olaf opened his mouth to shout, only to close it again and stare, aghast, at the cheerful Principal Montreaux.

"Professor Launtcofo, I see you have had a haircut," began Montreaux jovially as the arsonist stopped dead. "What appears to be the matter here? These students tell me you treated them most unpleasantly."

"_Treated us most unpleasantly_?" Violet repeated angrily. "He threatened my brother with an open flame!"

"He's been after us for ages," Klaus cut in, "you have to believe us…"

"These students are merely shaken by what that girl has done to them," said an immediately composed Olaf, pointing nonchalantly to the unconscious Nicolette Abbott. "She appears to have kidnapped that boy and his sister – this lair belongs to her."

"That's not what happened," Colleen began, only to be cut off by a dismissive wave from Montreaux.

Olaf invited Principal Montreaux into Nicolette's lair, indicating its Klaus-covered walls. "This Nicolette Abbott is evidently deranged," he pointed out. "She's plagued young Mr Baudelaire since the beginning of term."

"At least he got one thing right," Klaus glowered.

"I was passing when I heard audible cries for help," Olaf continued, as if he had not been menacing several defenseless young people just moments ago. "These students were being traumatised by Abbott, and I rescued them."

Principal Montreaux nodded sagely. "Do continue, Professor."

"Confused by their ordeal, the students turned on me and locked me in Abbott's basement hideout," Olaf continued smugly. "A stint in the Infirmary should do them good – I will personally watch over them all until they recover."

Olaf gave a theatrical sniff.

"Excellent idea, Launtcofo," Montreaux nodded with a smile.

He then turned to the Scout twins. "Run along, Miss Scout and Miss Scout," the principal said. "I think you've set off enough false alarms today."

Olaf gave Colleen a shove in the opposite direction, taking Violet and Klaus by the shoulders and pushing them down the passage before him.

Principal Montreaux bustled about the lair, prodding Nicolette's comatose form with a baseball bat and muttering to himself about how commendable a teacher Professor Launtcofo was.

The Scout twins shared despondent looks with the Baudelaires as they walked sadly away.

"Adults never help," Klaus said softly, as Olaf marched the siblings to the Infirmary.

Lorelei and Gabrielle sat quietly in the sunlit Infirmary, partitioned off by curtains as the Matron examined Basil's 'sports injuries', as he had put it. The two girls were worried for Basil and even more so for the Baudelaires, Gabrielle turning the box of matches over and over listlessly.

Eventually, the curtains were rolled away from Basil's bed and the girls greeted with a reassuring smile.

"It's nothing serious," the Matron said. "These sports injuries – did you say it was sports, dear? – they're always minor."

Now, this generalisation of the Matron's made Basil grin weakly from behind her, amazed at this ridiculous statement.

For instance, people who enjoy surfing may not be capable of doing so any longer if they have been bitten in half by a shark with an appetite to rival Nicolette's, and others who like ice-skating may find themselves in neat slices after falling and being run over by other people on shoes with metal blades attached.

You get the picture.

"Since it's a Sunday, you can stay here and keep Mr Fisher company," the Matron continued. "Just be aware that he'll need his rest!"

With that, the Matron swept off to her office with a kindly chuckle.

Lorelei approached Basil's bed, her normally impassive face betraying concern as she sat down beside him.

"Are you feeling any better?" she asked, slipping her hand into his as Gabrielle hung back, hoping to give them a little bit of space.

"I was on the road to recovery the moment you kicked Olaf," Basil smiled, waving Gabrielle over. "Good shot, Gaby – who knew duct tape could be so deadly?"

Gabrielle was about to reply, trying to manage a grin, when the Infirmary doors opened. Count Olaf came striding in, pushing Violet and Klaus before him.

Gabrielle hastily slipped the box of matches into her pocket, hoping Olaf would not have noticed.

Olaf shoved the siblings towards the huddle comprising Basil, Lorelei and Gabrielle, sweeping off to the Matron's office with a nasty smile.

Lorelei helped Basil into a sitting position as Gabrielle began to question Violet and Klaus.

"He's locking us in here," Violet said at last. "Colleen and Kerica did go to Montreaux for help, but he fell for Count Olaf's words almost at once."

"Don't give up," said Basil suddenly. "There's something I heard Olaf say, down in the basement, but…"

Just then, Olaf emerged from the Matron's office, towing the confused woman by the arm and churning out a convincing, albeit fictitious account of him having bonded with his students as he hustled her to the exit.

"Take the day off," Olaf sang as he shoved the Matron out, snitching the Infirmary key from her belt. "Besides being a wonderful Biology teacher, as these students will testify, I am also an experienced doctor!"

'But' was the last word the five students heard as Olaf slammed the door and locked it, shoving the key in his pocket and grinning meanly at the five children as he strode into the vacant office, whistling to the tune of a song he had made up himself, aptly entitled 'No Escape (You Can't Fool Me Twice)'.

"Basil, are you okay?" Violet asked immediately, approaching her dorm mate with concern.

Basil managed a tired smile. "I should be asking you and Klaus that question – I'll be fine, this will pass in a day or two," he reasoned.

"What did Olaf say about fires, down in the lair?" Klaus broke in.

Basil's expression darkened, and he gripped Lorelei's hand reflexively.

"He said he was going to burn Christmas Manor down. Lynette, Sunny, Marcel, everyone… Olaf was going on and on about how he'd have the two of you trapped here, so that there wouldn't be a need for Sunny…"

"He has associates stationed at the Manor?" Violet asked, feeling her heart sink.

"Apparently," Basil said, looking away. "Otherwise he wouldn't have been crowing about his plans to me and Lori."

"It just isn't enough, is it?" said Gabrielle suddenly. "I mean, first Nicolette, and now Count Olaf…"

"We survived Nicolette," Klaus said with a shudder, giving Violet a shaky smile, "so we'll think of a plan to escape Olaf again, and meet up with Sunny again."

Violet began to brush her hair out of her eyes, lacking a ribbon, though her inventive mind was formulating a plan at top speed.

Nicolette awoke after a long spell of dozing at the foot of her ill-gotten Library sofa, frowning and tugging at her special dress. She did feel a little dozy, but she was remembering…

Yes – Nicolette remembered that bad-mannered Professor Launtcofo, who had stomped into her lair without even knocking on the door. One of the idiots, Lorelei, had been dragged in too, and so had Basil… Nicolette would have someone to sit on soon enough.

That Launtcofo had started yelling at poor Klausey Wausey (she believed it was something about money, or a game show), ignoring Nicolette completely and finally pushing her off her couch in the most brusque manner possible.

Predictably, Nicolette had fallen right on her head and had mercifully been incapacitated, rather than suffering the undesirable alternative of brain damage.

Nicolette heaved herself up with a sudden burst of energy gained from her anger at Launtcofo. How dare he steal Klausey Wausey from her, just when he was having fun! The irate girl stumbled out of her lair, still dazed from her minor accident, and slammed the door behind her.

Her relentless search for Klausey Wausey had begun.


	16. The Egregious Escape

Read, review and enjoy! I've been saying the same thing for chapters on end and fishsticks knows I'm not sick of it. I find the phrase 'Nicolette pranced' really, really funny, I can't understand why. Do you? Also, a potential project when I'm free would be _Nicolette's Journal_, a companion piece to this story, that'll also feature the Baudelaires. Yes or no? Check my profile for more details.

Thank you to Y. K. A for fave-ing!

To Greedy-Gretchen: Happy belated birthday, then! (: Nicolette isn't the sort who would quit, and it's rather obvious once you consider everything she's done so far to 'win Klaus' heart'. The idea of Nicolette being the inadvertent saviour of Klaus is rather good – I just might use that.

"Montreaux has kept up an irregular routine of driving down to Christmas Manor," Basil explained to Klaus. "If you're lucky, he'll be leaving today to talk to Lynette about taking in more of her wards."

"I'm sure Violet and I can think of an excuse convincing enough to persuade him to take us to the Manor," Klaus frowned thoughtfully, glancing apprehensively at the closed door of the Infirmary's office.

The middle Baudelaire had seated himself beside the debilitated boy, listening closely to his relation of Olaf's triumphant monologue as Violet worked nearby, tying bedsheets together with her own creation, the Sumac knot. Lorelei and Gabrielle were busily stripping the Infirmary beds of their covers, depositing them in a pile before the eldest Baudelaire.

Violet had figured that the Infirmary windows, when open, were more than wide enough to admit someone of her stature. Taking a leaf out of many a grounded youngster's book, she had decided to create her own means of escape using bedsheets and a fair bit of inventiveness.

Count Olaf had effectively cut off escape from the main door – a battering ram would have brought him out of the office at once, and Violet had no other means but to work on a soundless escape plan.

"Have you ever abseiled before?" Lorelei asked as she brought one last pillowcase over to Violet.

"No, I haven't, really," replied Violet as she knotted the pillowcase to the increasing chain of bedclothes, "but this is our only chance. Given the amount of bed linen the Matron has inadvertently supplied, this makeshift rope should be sufficient to bring us close enough to ground."

"Marielle's told me you're good at creating things," Gabrielle added as she approached with one last armful of bedsheets. "I'm sure your plan will work!"

"So you're saying our first aim, once we are out of the Infirmary, should be to look for Principal Montreaux," Klaus clarified from across the sun-drenched room.

"He's fairly soft-hearted," Basil agreed. "Given enough persuasion he'll take you to Christmas Manor."

"And Olaf will come right after us once he finds we've gone," Klaus sighed. "You know, maybe I'd rather be stuck with 'Ickolette'."

He grinned wryly at the new, rather impertinent name he had created for his psychotic tormentor. This was comprehensible, taking into account all of Nicolette's unsettling efforts to fruitlessly gain his affections.

Basil flinched.

"You're certainly caught between a rock and an outsized place," he shuddered, improving upon the age-old saying that refers to both available choices being equally objectionable.

Gabrielle opened one of the windows, wincing as the sunlight pierced right into her eyes. Violet brought over her crude rope, tossing the free end out and motioning to Lorelei to grip the other end firmly.

"Thank you for trying," Violet said as she approached the prostrate Basil. "If Klaus and I never see you again – we appreciate what you've done to help."

"It made my term interesting," Basil grinned. "I'll see you soon, Baudelaires," he added, though he knew deep down that this would not be so.

The Baudelaires approached Lorelei and Gabrielle, who stood by the Infirmary windows, looking once more at the office wherein Olaf would be plotting another nefarious deed, confident in the knowledge that the Baudelaire fortune was already his for the taking.

Violet and Klaus bid farewell to the two girls, the first people they had met upon their arrival at Christmas Manor.

"Good luck to both of you, and to Sunny," Lorelei said after bidding the siblings goodbye. "For your sake, Klaus, I hope Nicolette gets amnesia from one fall too many, and for both of you, I hope Count Olaf falls into a steep-sided ditch, and never gets out."

"I wish you all the best," Gabrielle interjected, bracing herself against the window ledge and holding on to Violet's homemade cord. "We'll do what we can to mislead Olaf, and hopefully send him in the wrong direction. With some good fortune, he'll never find you again."

"It isn't very likely that any of those things will happen," Klaus smiled, "but thank you any way."

"For everything," Violet added with a small grin.

The eldest Baudelaire kept a firm hold on the rope as she lowered herself out the window, Lorelei and Gabrielle weighting down the other end. Violet descended quickly, bracing herself for the three-foot jump to the ground. She landed amid a cluster of bushes in Starmount Academy's gardens, thankful the grounds were deserted.

Klaus climbed down, placing absolute faith in his sister's craft and in his friends' capability. He, too, readied himself for the drop (the supply of bedsheets had not been entirely sufficient, but who was he to protest?) and was soon crouched beside Violet on the grass.

The Baudelaires raced towards the school building together as Lorelei and Gabrielle waved to them from the window, hoping Principal Montreaux would find sufficient reason that Sunday afternoon to make the drive to Christmas Manor.

Nicolette made a short jaunt to the Ebony Room, an exertion that left her breathless after her daily binges and lack of exercise. She changed back into the school uniform, finding, to her offense, that it was now _thirteen_ sizes too small.

"It must have shrunk in the wash!" Nicolette said stubbornly, twisting about in front of her broken mirror and tugging her school sweater down vehemently.

Slamming the dormitory door behind her, Nicolette pranced down to the dining hall.

Nicolette's noticeable reappearance was made to the complaints and grousing of all the assembled students. The gluttonous girl was just in time for lunch, where spaghetti had been prepared.

Galumphing over to the nearest available seat, to the dismay of all seated there, 'Ickolette' began to gorge herself, even making so bold as to steal meatballs from her unwilling table mates. Once she was satiated (it had taken twenty meatballs and three plates of spaghetti to placate her, not to mention an entire carton of apple juice), Nicolette resumed her quest for Klausey Wausey.

The Baudelaires dashed through Starmount's vacant event hall, optimistic that, for once, things would go their way.

"I can't believe my invention actually worked," Violet grinned with relief as she ran towards the double doors at the far end of the hall.

"I was honestly too afraid to contemplate the possibility of it failing," Klaus panted, sprinting along beside Violet and looking comforted at the knowledge that Count Olaf was still up in the Infirmary.

It looked as if nothing would hinder the Baudelaires from managing to reach the Principal's office on time, until Violet opened one of the doors to a thunderous yell.

"Have you seen Klaus Baudelaire?" Nicolette roared, cupping her hands around her mouth to amplify the sound. This achieved the desired effect, attracting the attention of all the students along the passageway.

Some shook their heads, others laughed and many simply ignored Nicolette after her initial outburst, but these reactions were negligible compared to Klaus' pounding heart from behind the event hall door.

"How did she get out of the lair? Why is she looking for me? Isn't she supposed to be unconscious?" Klaus gaped, his voice reaching a hysterical pitch. "Most of all, how does she know my surname? Nicolette only ever called me by that revolting nickname she made up."

Violet tried to suppress a grin. "I'm very sure you can outrun Nicolette if it comes to that," she reassured him, giving him a pat on the shoulder. "Klaus, get behind the door – she's coming this way!"

Klaus did as he was told, Violet pretending to stroll casually out of the cavernous event hall. As expected, Nicolette stopped her and hollered the question she had been asking since lunchtime.

"I saw him last in the Library," she bluffed. "There's a good chance he could be there still."

Satisfied with Violet's answer, Nicolette ambled back down the corridor, in search of the nearest staircase.

Klaus emerged from behind the door with glee, only to have Violet tug on his arm impatiently. Never once losing sight of their aim, the siblings resumed their ascent to Principal Montreaux's office.


	17. The Advantageous Assault

I'm not dead yet. Read, review and enjoy. Thank you to Phish Tacko and Greedy-Gretchen for suggestions regarding the plot! I got the 'Nicolette flailed' idea from my friend, who also loves to flail.

I'm terribly sorry for the long wait! You're all wonderful for being patient with me. Thank you to ryabusha for fav-ing!

…Be prepared to wait some more for the next update. It's exam time for me and I need to do well for this one.

Do refer to my profile for more info on Nicolette's Journal, and suggestions for how I should tackle that project are most welcome.

Nicolette pranced up the first step of the nearest staircase, having barreled down the hall only moments earlier, leaving in her wake a trail of irate students. They had been forced to squash themselves into corners of the corridors to avoid the assault of the speeding bullet that was Nicolette.

Her energetic start to the supposedly arduous set of stairs was deceiving to many a bystander – by the time she had reached the top of the first flight, the gluttonous girl was huffing and puffing, a sweaty palm slapped heavily onto the newly-varnished banister for support.

Nicolette glared resentfully at the next few steps upward, letting them draw her gaze up and up until it lit unceremoniously upon the spindly figure of Count Olaf.

Olaf had donned the guise of a Biology teacher once more, and was now staring down at Nicolette with a faint expression of disgust as he fiddled with the Infirmary keys, safely tucked away in a voluminous pocket.

"There… you… are!" Nicolette wheezed, taking her hand off the banister to point imperiously at the bogus teacher. "How… dare… you take away… my… Klausey Wausey!" she panted furiously, somewhat out of breath, as she stormed up the stairs with sudden velocity. "How dare… you harm him!"

Before Olaf could back away, Nicolette rammed into him with a stance that would have made a wrestler proud, knocking the villainous man flat before he could protest his innocence, or back away, which would have been far more likely.

Nicolette made as if to jump up and down on the prostrate arsonist, only to trip over her own feet and land heavily on him. Count Olaf gave a shout of horror, then went abruptly still, his eyes rolling back into his head at the awful thought of the psychotic student having used him as a landing pad.

Yelling as she went down, Nicolette flailed, only to hit Count Olaf in the head repeatedly, ensuring he would be knocked cold for at least a good hour.

Though the Baudelaires themselves were unaware of the turn of fortune they had just been given, Violet believed herself and her brother to be more than lucky as Principal Montreaux relented at last.

"I understand how you feel, Baudelaires," said the Principal jovially as he snacked on several pink marshmallows. "Worrying for your young sister is perfectly acceptable, though seeing as she is not of the school-going age…"

"Does that mean you're willing to take us to Christmas Manor?" Klaus asked, wide-eyed.

"Why ever not?" Montreaux pondered, a marshmallow halfway to his lips. "It's high time I talked to Miss Christmas about those wards of hers. Would you like a marshmallow before we leave?"

The Baudelaires helped themselves to a soft, sugary pillow each, even though neither of the siblings had taken a particular liking to the saccharine candy.

The future would taste as sweet as marshmallows for Violet and Klaus, if they could only reach Sunny before Olaf and his cohorts did.

The elder Baudelaires sat pensively in the backseat of Principal Montreaux's car, too concerned for their sister to listen properly to his monologue on how he had come to preside over Starmount Academy. Snatches of phrases such as 'only available choice' and 'the muffin I ate last week' caught their attention momentarily as their thoughts spiraled around _what if_ and _if only_.

As Christmas Manor came into view, its uppermost rooms a pale shape on the horizon, Violet felt herself relax just marginally – taken back to the tragedy at Briny Beach, the eldest Baudelaire held a secret fear of seeing all of her new abodes in ashes.

Klaus forced a smile; it seemed as if circumstances were unusually bright for him. Lately, his life had been nothing but a large lump of misery, that description accordingly induced by his unsettling encounters with Nicolette Abbott. Despite his good academic results, evidently displayed in his daily work, the middle Baudelaire would have loved nothing more to escape Nicolette's stubby-fingered clutches with his sanity and siblings intact.

"Here we are!" Montreaux said happily, pulling up in the driveway with an unceremonious screech.

"Thank you for the lift, Principal," Violet said, remembering her manners as she and her brother exited the car, approaching the pristine double doors of Christmas Manor with trepidation.

Klaus reached once again for the silver doorbell, hovering just a hair's breadth from an answer.

Gabrielle looked wistfully out the Infirmary window at the pile of bed linen that lay forlornly on the grass.

"It probably wasn't very smart to let go of that makeshift rope," she sighed, turning back to Lorelei and Basil with utmost frustration.

"At least it's hidden in the bushes below the window," Basil reassured, for the wrong reason entirely.

Seeing as Gabrielle was too exasperated to reply, Lorelei patted his arm and began to elaborate. "It's not that we're worried about Olaf finding out the Baudelaires have escaped – we need to get out of here, and we don't even have a key."

"_I_ don't need to," Basil pointed out, gesturing at his injuries. "Either way, I'm positive Count Olaf won't find out about them until they've already gone."

Fortunately for the Baudelaires, Basil was right – but for the three young people now trapped in the Infirmary, the fact that Olaf, in possession of the sole key, had been knocked cold by an irate Nicolette was indeed something to be concerned about.


End file.
